In 1967, British novelist, David Pinner published a novel titled, “Ritual.” A police officer is sent to investigate the murder of a little girl. The cop discovers a village’s inhabitants are practitioners of an ancient religious cult partaking in human sacrifices. In 1973, Ritual was adapted on the big screen as “The Wicker Man” with Edward Woodward (OG The Equalizer) & Christopher Lee. At the time, it earned mixed reviews. The gained a cult following praised by horror fans. Plus, introducing Druid culture and annual Burning Man with people seeing a giant wooden man on fire.
Three Decades Later, Nicolas “Nic” Cage produced and starred in an American remake. Released in 2006, (same year The Prestige came out) it was critically panned by critics and movie goers. Adding insult to injury, it underperformed at the box office. Chris Stuckmann covered the remake in his “Hilariocity Review.” I highly recommend it. Anyway, I have one good reason why I wanna review the remake.
Nic himself will attend Fan Expo Dallas 2026 on September 12-13. Which is Saturday and Sunday. I got plans to take my pic with Spider-Noir along with Charlie Sheen, Elijah Wood & Sean Astin. It’s gonna be epic.
It doesn’t matter if SPOILERS are listed. The remake is already one big meme.
Good & Evil Aspects
Good: Ellen Burstyn’s the only tolerable performer who did her best filling in as Christopher Lee’s villain role. Not her fault she had to work in this piece of crud.
Cinematography’s shot in tip top shape.
Aaron Eckhart (Two-Face in The Dark Knight) appears as a Truck Stop Patron. Don’t believe me? Google it.
Edward punches a homely bartender for partaking in a human sacrifice. If I were him, I’d punch Greta Gerwig for promoting misandry and a little girl as a feminist know-it-all in “Barbie.” The modern day equivalent of any banned Looney Tunes cartoon depicting racist caricatures.
Jason Ritter & James Franco make cameo appearances in the theatrical ending as the villagers’ next targets. Spare Jason and let James rot. The latter’s a real life sicko.
The movie dedicates the memory of Johnny Ramone. He was a fan of the original movie. Was good friends with Nic.
Evil: Nicolas “Nic” Cage’s performance as Edward was laughably bad. I have nothing against Nic. He’s a great actor as well as a comic book nerd. His performance in this movie wasn’t as good as his roles in “Adaptation,” “Matchstick Men,” “National Treasure” & “The Weather Man.”
Kate Beehan’s performance as Willow is pretty bad. She has the inability to complete sentences. Oh, jeez. That’s Professor Calamitous from “Jimmy Neutron.” Known for his inability to complete an everyday task and full sentences.
Neil LaBute didn’t do a good job directing and polishing the script.
Scare Factor lacks bone chilling terror. Examples listed.
- At first the remake starts strong. A speeding eighteen wheeler hits a car trapping a mother and a little girl. Edward tries to save them. Only for the car to blow up in smithereens. Several scenes later, Edward has recurring nightmares of the little girl hit by an eighteen wheeler. It gets old really fast. This isn’t scary, this “Mean Girls” territory. That one scene with Regina George hit by a school bus. It’s karma for being a big fat meanie. The Wicker Man however, lacks variation on nightmare scenes to make us feel bad for Edward.
- In a small school, Edward opens a desk. A crow frantically flies.
- Bees are a terrifying motif. They’re not intimidating. Whenever I think of bees attacking people, I think of Tommy Boy’s fake bees scene. As a result, bees aren’t scary anymore. It’s like that one Simpsons episode, “Cape Feare” spoofing Martin Scorsese’s “Cape Fear” remake. Nobody takes the film seriously anymore. Audience/Viewers don’t think of Max Cady, they think of Sideshow Bob. The Wicker Man was too late to include bees as scary.
- As Edward looks for potential leads inside a house, he opens a door. Sees a woman with a bee shaped beard. Again, bees aren’t scary anymore. You know what’s scarier? That one “Ed, Edd n’ Eddy” episode, “The Day the Ed Stood Still.” with Ed pretending to be an alien monster terrorizing the whole neighborhood.
- Bees are later present in either a flashback or nightmare sequence:
- The infamous “Not the bees” scene ruined the tension. Nic yells “UNDER MY EYES.”
- The villagers rough up Edward. He shouts, “MY LEGS!” Ugh! We’re in SpongeBob territory?
Plot Hole: The island doesn’t have phones. How come Edward gets a call from the place? Doesn’t make zero sense.
A policewoman informs Edward involving a letter. Her acting sounds like Orihime (from Bleach) disinterested watching “The English Patient.”
The original had elements of Catholicism vs. Paganism and evil men led by Christopher Lee. The elements in the remake have women who are organized and evil. Men are worthless cowards who never grew a spine. They act as breeders for the women. I find it misandrist. As if Brie Larson wrote this crap. She’s not a good person in real life.
Before Edward breaks inside Frances Conroy’s house for clues, two guards are dressed like Kenny from “South Park.”
A Plot Twist involving the missing girl is Edward’s daughter, Rowan. Near the end, turns out the girl isn’t his daughter. A poor man’s version of the twist from Matchstick Men.”
Edward randomly shouts “HOW’D IT GET BURNED” to Willow over a burnt doll. Mojo Jojo and his girlfriend screaming at the top of their lungs in The Powerpuff Girls” episode, “Meet the Beat Alls” felt dignified.
Edward disguises himself as a bear so he can rescue a little girl from being burned to death. He punches a woman and unties the girl. Flee for their lives. Dressed as a bear is one of the worst disguises in history. Scooby-Doo and Shaggy disguising themselves to trap a monster worked because the bad guy in costume is an idiot who didn’t realize the duo are obviously wearing an outfit. The Wicker Man isn’t a cartoon. Corvo from “Dishonored” would never act like a nincompoop wearing a bear outfit in order to infiltrate a fancy party.
The leader has half-white half-blue make-up on her face. She looks like a spectator at a football game.
The infamous “Not the bees” was featured in the unrated version. That right there became a meme. Conan O’Brien poked fun at this moment and other over-the-top Nic Cage scenes as “The Nicolas Cage Terror Alert.” Conan’s parody of Homeland Security. Not the bees scene ranked as Level 5 alongside his crying scene in “Deadfall.”
I don’t give a crud about the alternate ending, Edward burns to crisp. Then, cuts to the end credits.
The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!
The Wicker Man isn’t a compelling remake. It fails to recapture the original’s lightning in a bottle. Stick to the 1973 original. If you’re gearing up for Fan Expo Dallas 2026, watch the remake by poking fun of it like “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” Heck, a drinking game, but with non-alcoholic beverages. Spite things up a notch. Which Nic Cage films should I review next? Please leave a comment.
Nickthemoviecritic.com 