Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker (Full NSFW Spoiler Review)

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker, the final installment of “The Sequel Trilogy” as well as the last chapter of the nine-part “Skywalker Saga” It received mixed reactions from critics, fans and movie goers alike.

Today’s review contains a truckload of SPOILERS. If you’re eager to see The Rise Of Skywalker. I’d watch it before you read my full SPOILER article. This review is intended for mature readers, it contains strong pervasive language. Reader’s Discretion is advised.

Believable & Unbelievable Aspects

Believable: The Main Cast from the previous two films all did a decent job for their respective performances.

Billy Dee Williams and Ian McDiarmid reprise their roles as Lando Calrissian and Emperor Palpatine. They both did a fantastic job for their respective performances.

Newcomers to the series such as Keri Russell, Naomi Ackie & Richard E. Grant all did a solid job for their respective performances.

The ninth installment closes The Skywalker Saga centering around Anakin, Luke, Leia, Han and Kylo’s generational story arc.

Special Effects are a mixture of Practical Effects and Computer Animation perfectly balanced.

John Williams orchestrated music for the final chapter.

Previous Jedi are heard through Rey’s head such as Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin Skywalker, Mace Windu, Ahsoka Tano, Kanan Jarus & Luke Skywalker encourage Rey to kick Palpatine’s ass.

Rose Tico’s role is reduced to the size of a peanut. I feel sorry for Kelly Marie Tran getting harassed online. I take back what I said about her involvement in The Last Jedi. It’s not because she’s Asian, it’s because Rose is a poorly written character. Not Kelly’s fault, it’s actually Rian Johnson’s fault for turning Rose into one of the most hated characters in Star Wars other than Jar Jar Binks.

Jeff Garlin, Ed Sheeran, Lin-Manual Miranda & Kevin Smith (a lifelong Star Wars fan) make cameo appearances.

It was pretty heartwarming to see a flashback of young Luke & Leia sparring with each other wielding their lightsabers.

Unbelievable: The final chapter in The Skywalker Saga is filled with so many Plot Holes. I’m gonna list them in single numbers.

Plot Hole 1 – How did Palpatine’s army managed to dig their way through underground to power up Star Destroyers? It’s never explained in tie-in novels or books connected to the film. They are not zombies rising from the ground. This isn’t “The Walking Dead.”

Plot Hole 2 – Palpatine never used his red lightsaber from Revenge Of The Sith to combat both Rey & Kylo. He didn’t learn his lesson from Return Of The Jedi when he used his Force Lightning in an attempt to electrocute Luke to death. Until Vader tosses him into a pit.

Plot Hole 3 – Speaking of Return Of The Jedi, how the hell did Palpatine survive The Death Star II’s massive explosion? Did he use some kind of Force Shield or did he use a sample of his DNA to clone himself? Palpatine is really himself, rather than an exact duplicate.

Plot Hole 4 – Besides the magnificent bastard, debris from The Death Star II’s somehow manages to stay intact regardless of the explosion obliterating everything inside.

Plot Hole 5 – TIE Fighters & Palpatine’s throne room remain partially undamaged. Also a device connected to Palpatine’s hideout never got destroyed.

Plot Hole 6 – A new aspect of Hyperspace is butchered when Poe uses a trick to evade First Order members is to instantly transport one planet to another.

Plot Hole 7 – Leia’s death scene was an insult. She used all her energy to contact Kylo using The Force. How come Luke used all his energy to create a decoy while Leia didn’t? Gonna have to Double Down Points for not earning Leia’s dignified death. After Carrie Fisher’s untimely death, Leia’s onscreen death is displayed in bad taste. Disney & Lucasfilm pulled an “Alien 3” on her like they did with Luke in The Last Jedi for not earning a dramatic death.

Plot Hole 8 – Luke & Leia knew about Palpatine’s return before the events of The Force Awakens. Why didn’t they tell Rey or anybody about his comeback. In real life, they would’ve told everybody in The Resistance to get their guns out instead of dicking around for several years costing countless deaths.

Plot Hole 9 – Palpatine has a new dark side power draining somebody’s life force by giving him a new set of clothes. This never happened in Return Of The Jedi. He used force lightning not the power to drain granting him a pimp outfit.

Plot Hole 10 – Poe is such a twat. He thinks jet packs are new to The First Order. Didn’t they already have em’ in the comics?

Plot Hole 11 – How come the animals on a Starfleet Destroyer never lose their balance? It doesn’t make any damn sense.

Plot Hole 12 – Luke lifts his X-Wing, despite the fact he’s a force ghost. Why didn’t The Jedi assist The Resistance in battle? That’s not The Jedi way to slack off.

Plot Hole 13 – It’s confirmed by Lucasfilm Ahsoka is alive during The Sequel Trilogy. What the hell was she doing all this time during The Force Awakens & The Last Jedi?

Plot Hole 14 – Anakin’s involvement other than cheering for Rey telepathically, is reduced to an atom. Why didn’t he show up as a Force Ghost with his fellow companions like Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Mace, Yoda or anybody still active?

Plot Hole 15 – Anakin never talked to his grandson Kylo to not make the same mistakes he made in The Prequel Trilogy when he became Darth Vader. What an asshole! Anakin redeemed himself to save Luke and he brushes off his grandson.

J.J. Abrams failed to address specific plot lines like “The Knights Of Ren” depicted in The Force Awakens. That buildup was all for nothing. From now on J.J.’s initials means Jar Jar, for what he did to Star Wars & the series finale from “Lost.”

The film has so many fake-outs. For example, many fans were shocked to witness Chewbacca died from a TIE Fighter explosion. Turns out he never got onboard.

When Rey & Kylo both use the force on a TIE Fighter. It felt suspiciously similar to that one scene from “Dark Phoenix” with Jean Grey & Magneto using their powers lifting a military helicopter.

Pacing felt rushed lacking substance. Ever heard of quality over quantity Kathleen Kennedy?

After Kylo drains all his force powers to heal Rey, they share a kiss together. I think it felt rushed. I don’t see them as a couple. I never sympathize a relationship between them.Rey changes her last name to Skywalker. I’m gonna be brutally honest, I never cared about Rey. Not because she’s a woman, it’s because she’s an overpowered character written unrealistically as a carbon copy of Luke. Her backstory is idiotic, I did not shed any tears. She has the worst family in Star Wars history. Her parents are poorly written. Her unnamed mother or father is related to Palpatine. What the actual fuck happened to Darth Sidious’ personal life? Did he have a girlfriend, a secret marriage, had an affair? So many goddamn questions left unanswered I’ll have to Triple Down this con for pissing me the fuck off as a loyal Star Wars fan.

The Final Verdict: D-

The Rise Of Skywalker is a miscalculated cluster fuck. A slap to the face to longtime fans of the beloved franchise. Kathleen Kennedy, Rian Johnson Chris Terrio (same guy who wrote Batman Vs Superman) & J.J. Abrams fucked up Star Wars they gave The Sequel Trilogy herpes. I’m disgusted and repulsed for what they did. Fuck you Abrams, Terrio, Johnson & Kennedy for sodomizing a potential trilogy. This makes The Prequel Trilogy a masterpiece in terms of quality over quantity.

I hope the upcoming sub-series “The High Republic” might do justice. I’m counting on the writers. All they have to do is plan a roadmap accordingly like Kevin Feige and the production crew at Marvel Studios.

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