The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

After Bella Swan reunites with Edward Cullen and declaring her love for him, he asks her to marry him. Conflicted between the vampire she loves and her close friendship with werewolf boy, Jacob Black, Bella must make a life changing decision. Marry Edward or develop a relationship with Jacob. Meanwhile, evil vampire organization, The Voltri are turning humans into vampires. In other words, form an army.

“The Twilight Saga’s third installment, “Eclipse,” was officially released in 2010 (same year Gorillaz’s third album, Plastic Beach came out) earning mixed to negative reviews and made enough money at the box office. Taking cues from “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” and “Kill Bill,” the final entry, “Breaking Dawn” was split into two parts in 2011-2012. Anyway, Robert Pattinson will appear in highly anticipated films. Mark your calendars.

Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey – July 17, 2026
Dune Part Three – December 18, 2026
The Batman Part II – October 1, 2027

It doesn’t matter if SPOILERS are present. The Twilight Saga isn’t great.

Alive & Dead Aspects

Alive: One of my favorite actresses, Dakota “DF” Fanning & Anna Kendrick reprise their roles as Jane & Jessica. They’re the closest thing to a solid performance.

Fun Fact: Dakota & Kirsten “KStew” Stewart also co-starred in a much better movie, “The Runaways.”

Bryce Dallas Howard replaces Rachelle Lefevre as Victoria. She did a solid job for her performance.

You’re gonna be shocked as I am, Howard Shore (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, The Fly, Seven) orchestrated the soundtrack.

Muse (one of my favorite bands) wrote and performed a song for the threequel, “Neutron Star Collision (Love Is Forever)” Okay, Summit Entertainment, you get one point.

Alice said, “On your left!” Captain America later said it in “Captain America: The Winter Soldier.”

Dead: David Slade didn’t do a good job directing.

Melissa Rosenberg didn’t do a good job writing the script. She later bounced back as showrunner for “Jessica Jones.”

Kristen “KStew” Stewart, Robert Pattinson & Taylor Lautner reprise their roles. Their performances didn’t improve.

KStew acts like she ate too much Taco Bell, desperate to search for the nearest restroom, often opens her mouth open and her stoic delivery pales in comparison to Keanu Reeves. Only he can deliver. A stoic delivery.

Robert Pattinson does his stary eyed gaze as if he’s posing for GQ magazine.

Taylor Lautner continues to be boring. This time, he acts like a whiny baby who only wants Bella.

Cinematography can be janky.

Visual Effects didn’t polish the werewolves. They look like unfinished PS3 characters.

Dialogue is bad. For example, Bella said. “I smell like a dog.” She inadvertently called herself “the b word.“

Bella’s dad punishes her by only spending time with her friends. Who does she pick? Jacob. Anybody, but wolf boy. Jacob’s generic as heck. He’s not an interesting werewolf like Remus Lupin from “Harry Potter.”

Besides Jacob, his wolf tribe are generic. Their werewolf form aren’t unique.

Like the previous entires, Eclipse is boring as heck. Nothing happens until Act 3. That’s when the vampires and werewolves join forces to combat The Voltri’s new recruits.

The threequel is just Edward & Jacob bickering with each other to see who gets the girl. Iron Man & War Machine have a legit bromance than these dweebs. They never fought over Pepper Potts. Iron Man 2’s fight scene between Tony Stark & Rhodey is ten times better than Eclipse.

Jacob has an unhealthy fixation with Bella. Jacob’s jealous towards Edward. He shows off his abs to get Bella’s attention. He forcefully kisses her. Dude needs to chill out. There’s a lot of women on the planet. For instance, blondes like Scarlett “Scarjo.” Johansson. As if Jacob has never heard of The Beatles’ “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La Da, live goes on!”

Bella said, “Edward’s the love of my life.” Oh, brother, they lack legit chemistry in the last two movies. This is leftover romance from “Attack of the Clones.” Her chemistry with Jacob didn’t feel compelling. Ouchies!

Unfun Fact: Eclipse won five MTV Movie Awards including “Best Movie.” Ugh! It won instead of “Inception.” I’m so appalled KStew won “Best Female Performance” instead of Natalie Portman in “Black Swan.” Which is blasphemy.

Random Thought: If I were Jacob, I would’ve moved on from Bella in favor of a new girl. I prefer blondes over brunettes, redheads and black haired girls. Blondes are my type.

A fight scene between Edward & Victoria wasn’t good. Why? Because there’s quick cuts and a janky camera you can’t tell what’s going on. I’d rather see a Yo Mama fight.

Bella kisses Jacob behind Edward’s back. I can’t believe I’m quoting Mike Myers’ worst line in “The Cat in the Hat, “Dirty Hoe!” Ladies and Gentlemen, our main protagonist. Bella’s the biggest hypocrite in cinema history since Mary Jane Watson in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man Trilogy. Bella shortly cheating on Edward earns a ton of points down. She’s not a compelling likable strong female character like Black Widow, she’s a hoebag.

Almost every single character (minus Jane and Bella’s friend, Jessica) is completely unlikable. Which is the franchise’s greatest sin. They’re nothing but cheaters, hoebags, stalkers and hypocrites.

After wasting the entire threequel runtime, Bella accepts Edward’s proposal. Leading up to the final installment, Breaking Dawn. More like “Breaking Wind.”

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

Eclipse is yet another stinker in The Twilight Saga. I’m puzzled this one another MTV Movie Award for Best Movie. I lost a huge amount of respect to the aforementioned awards show. If you wanna watch The Twilight Saga, invite your friends over for a watch party. Roast all movies like “Mystery Science Theater 3000.”