The Marvels

Set immediately after “Ms. Marvel” on Disney Plus, Carol Danvers, Kamala Khan & Monica Rambeau join forces to save the universe from a Kree who has a grudge towards Carol. After their powers get screwed upon contacting a cosmic source causing them to switch places by teleporting, the girls must use their powers carefully. “The Marvels” is the 33rd film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe or MCU for short. The latest entry of “The Multiverse Saga” earned divisive reactions from critics, fans and movie goers alike.

I finished Ms. Marvel. I’ll tell you what, it was boring. So far, Phase 4-5’s films and shows are sloppy. Except for good ones listed below. As if a monkey stole Bill Murray’s hardboiled egg, puts it in his mouth, spits it out in the ground and Bill eats the egg. For who don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m using an analogy of the Opening Scene from “Osmosis Jones.”

• Loki: Season 1
• What If: Season 1
• Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings
• Spider-Man: No Way Home
• Moon Knight
• Doctor Stranger and the Multiverse of Madness
• Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3

Anyway, today’s review contains huge SPOILERS. If you haven’t seen The Marvels, read at your own risk.

Higher & Lower Qualities

Higher: Brie Larson, Teyonah Parris, Iman Vellani, Samuel L. Jackson & Lashana Lynch reprise their roles from previous installments. They all did a solid job for their respective performances.

Action Sequences are pretty good.

There’s some Funny Moments from Kamala.

Beastie Boys’ “Intergalactic” is used during a montage scene. This isn’t the first time a Beastie Boys song was in a Marvel film. Remember “No Sleep till Brooklyn” in “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3?”

Tessa Thompson makes a brief appearance reprising her role as Valkyrie.

Haillee Steinfeld makes a cameo appearance reprising her role as Kate Bishop. Possibly setting up “Young Avengers.”

A Mid-Credits Scene reveals Monica waking up in a recovery room with an alternate version of her mother, Maria. Kelsey Grammer reprises his role as Beast from “X-Men.” The crowd and I were cheering. Meaning, Hugh Jackman’s coming back as Wolverine in “Deadpool 3.” He’s my all-time favorite Marvel character. I’m giving the aforementioned scene, Bonus Points for including the X-Men now part of the MCU.

Lower: Nia DaCosta (Little Woods, Candyman 2021) did a terrible job directing.

If you’ve seen Ms. Marvel, Kamala has the power to construct objects like Green Lantern. In the comics, she only stretches her body like Reed Richards/Mr. Fantastic. Kamala can’t catch a break. She’s the Rodney Dangerfield of Marvel. Gets no respect.

1. Sqaure Enix’s Avengers game flopped and got delisted.
2. Her mini-series was boring as heck. Unfaithful to her origin story.
3. Gets killed in the comics.
4. Her big screen debut, really bad.

One dumb scene shows Carol flying in space with Goose. You can tell a Green Screen looks fake. Gonzo flying in “Muppets from Space” felt realistic.

Unlike Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 there’s no emotional stakes.

When the trio arrive on a planet, the people speak in singing. I’m not making this up. This film just turned into a Disney Musical. Carol wears a dress like any Disney Princess. Proceeds to dance with her husband, Yan. She’s married to the ruler of the singing people. Ugh! Holland Novak & Talho from “Eureka Seven” have better chemistry than those two! By the way, Eureka Seven’s one of my favorite anime shows growing up. As for Carol and her so-called husband, I’m gonna Double Down points for this ridiculous moment.

Dar-Benn isn’t an interesting villain. She’s completely forgettable. Not as interesting as High Evolutionary from Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3.

Dar-Benn’s grandmaster plan is to steal a planet’s oxygen. That’s President Skroob’s scheme from “Spaceballs.” Someone, Galactus is rolling his eyes. He would never do something like that. He eats planets.

A male Skrull shouts, “We have nowhere else to go!” He doesn’t realize a there’s a spaceship that can take him anywhere. UGH! I hate it when movies or shows treating male characters like dumb and females as bossy know-it-alls like Lucy from “Peanuts.” I find them downright offensive. To me, it feels like the modern-day equivalent of a banned Looney Tunes cartoon or Mickey Rooney in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Carol saves a dying sun. A rip-off of “Sunshine.”

Goose and the kittens have the ability to eat an object or living creature storing them like items in a shopping bag. They also have the ability to puke them out without a single scratch. Anyway, the worst part of the entire film is when Goose and multiple kittens eat the space crew in order to rescue them from Dar-Been. Then, “Memory” from “Cats” plays in the background. UGH! This gave me unpleasant flashbacks to that Razzie winning movie. In the words of Ben Affleck in “Jersey Girl,” “The second worse thing to happen in New York City.” I can’t believe I’m doing this to a Marvel film, I’m Tripling Down points for insulting my intelligence. As if Dan Schneider (iCarly, Victorious) wrote this crap!

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

The Marvels is the worst Marvel film I have ever seen since “Morbius.” It has nothing to do with women onscreen. Anybody can suck equally. I’m only saying this as a Marvel fan and movie critic. I was gonna give The Marvels my lowest grade an F, FOR FAKER. Because of the Mid-Credits Scene setting up Deadpool 3, I’m willing to give Marvel the benefit of the doubt bringing Hugh Jackman back as Wolverine.