Steel Magnolias

“Steel Magnolias” was officially released in 1989. (same year Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade came out) It received positive reviews from critics and movie goers alike. In addition to praise, the film also made enough money at the box office. Julia Roberts earned a Golden Globe for “Best Supporting Actress.” Steel Magnolias pushed Julia into the film industry. Then, “Pretty Woman” made her a household name becoming one of the highest paid A-List stars. Julia will star in an upcoming psychological thriller with Mahershala Ali, Ethan Hawke & Kevin Bacon titled, “Leave the World Behind.”

Today’s review contains SPOILERS. Hear me out. This is an opinion-based article. If you love this movie, please don’t give me any negative comments. One more thing, I recently saw Steel Magnolias.

Beautiful and Ugly Qualities

Beautiful: Sally Field, Julia “Chatter Teeth” Roberts, Dolly Parton, Darryl Hannah & Shirley MacLaine all did a solid job for their respective performances.

Other Cast Members such as Dylan McDermott, Tom Skerritt (Dallas from Alien) and the late Sam Shepard all did a fair job for their respective performances.

Cinematography never suffered from technical issues.

M’Lynn mentioned Jane Fonda. Sally later worked with Jane in “80 for Brady.”

Ugly: The movie is dated as in a carton of expired milk. One character mentioned “This is the ‘80s.”

I didn’t laugh at every single joke. Not one little bit. “Kung Pow Enter the Fist” is a million times funnier.

Fun Fact: Dakota Fanning (one of my Top 5 favorite actresses) stated Steel Magnolias is one of her favorite films.

Characters are forgettable except for Shelby.

The Pacing felt like a drab lacking an interesting plot and a compelling Three Act Structure. EGADS! This is “Terms of Endearment” all over again! Another comedy-drama I dislike. Both Steel Magnolias and the aforementioned movie are straight up boring!

A dramatic moment is completely butchered. At a cemetery, M’Lynn has an emotional breakdown over Shelby’s death. It’s ruined when her pals made a joke about Wheezer. I have no choice, but to Double Down this con. The funeral scene from “The Hangover Part III” seems forgivable with Alan singing “Ave Maria” at his dad’s funeral.

I didn’t cry when Shelby died. My eyes were dry like a cactus in hot desert. Only movies that made me cry were “Interstellar,” “Logan,” “Avengers: Endgame” & “Boys Don’t Cry.” Last time something made me burst into tears was Rules & Jules on Euphoria’s second season finale.

No offense, this movie was boring as heck. There’s nothing interesting going on. Only character I cared about is Shelby. I’d rather watch Alyson Stoner’s dance numbers than this piece of crud.

Product Placement (Pee Pee for short) featuring brands such as Coca-Cola, Bush’s Baked Beans, Chevrolet, Ford, Minute Maid & Hostess.

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

Sorry folks, Steel Magnolias didn’t age well. It’s a boring chick flick lacking a compelling Three Act Structure, three-dimensional characters and entertainment value. The cinematic equivalent of a colon cleanse. If you wanna watch a better drama filled with memorable characters intersecting in one story, I strongly recommend Paul Thomas Anderson’s epic drama, “Magnolia.”

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