G.I. Jane

“G.I. Jane” was officially released in 1997. (same year Starship Troopers came out) It received mixed reviews from critics and was a commercial flop at the box office. Demi Moore won a Razzie Award for “Worst Actress.” As a result of her previous flop “Striptease” and the aforementioned movie, Demi’s acting career faded as a leading actress. Nowadays, she’s known as that cougar once married to Ashton Kutcher. Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Viggo Mortensen’s career survived thanks to “The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.” Ridley Scott (one of my favorite directors) bounced back with his Oscar winning epic, “Gladiator.”

You know why I’m sharing my thoughts on this movie. At the 94thAcademy Awards, Chris Rock poked fun at Jada Pinkett Smith’s baldness with these words… “Jada, I love you G.I. Jane II can’t wait to see it! Suddenly, Will Smith storms onstage, slaps Chris in the face, tells him to “Keep my wife’s name out your f***ing mouth!” Afterwards, this unexpected moment in Oscar history became a meme across The Internet and many people like me got introduced to G.I. Jane as a movie that actually exists in the late 90s.

Anway, Ridley Scott’s next film is an epic historical drama about Napoleon with Joaquin Phoenix as the leader of the French Republic. This’ll be the second collaboration between the pair since Gladiator. As of August 2022, no release date has been announced. It’ll probably stream sometime around 2023 on Apple TV.

It doesn’t matter if SPOILERS are listed. This movie is unwatchable.

Victory & Defeat Aspects

Victory: Demi Moore & Viggo Mortensen both did a fair job for their respective performances. Demi’s acting wasn’t horrendously bad like John Leguizamo’s obnoxious performance in “The Pest” and his unforgiveable role as Violator in “Spawn.” Those god-awful movies were a lot worse than G.I. Jane.

Training Scenes are brutally intense for O’Neil to endure various sessions.

Cinematography was shot carefully never succumbing to technical difficulties.

Demi actually shaved her head onscreen. She also endured actual combat training.

Viggo’s character holds the rank as Master Chief. His first name is John. Four Years Later, Xbox introduced the poster boy of the “Halo” franchise.

A then-unknown Jim Caviezel appears as one a soldier. He also appeared in a much better war film, “The Thin Red Line.”

Defeat: I cannot believe I’m saying this to one of my favorite directors, Ridley Scott did an underwhelming job not bothering to double check the script for potential rewrites.

David Twohy (The Chronicles of Riddick series, The Fugitive, Waterworld) failed to craft a cohesive narrative.

O’Neil never had real chemistry with her fellow soldiers. I don’t remember any of their names. Heck, even the main lead isn’t interesting at all. All she does is shave her head, work out and posed nude on the cover of Vanity Fair while heavily pregnant. O’Neil is boring like a trey of Oreos without the cream filling.

At first, I thought the movie’s title has something to do with the “G.I. Joe” series to make wave for a potential adaptation of Hasbro’s franchise. I’ve been tricked by false advertising.

The Second Half took forever building up O’Neil’s first mission.

This movie is completely dated. For instance, The Gulf War is mentioned once or twice.

A subplot involving O’Neil mistaken for a lesbian wasn’t necessary. As if Ridley and his posse ran out of ideas.

The movie ends with O’Neil earning Master Chief’s respect. Right before the credits roll, The Pretenders’ “Goodbye” is played in the background. I find it manipulative as this movie is trying way too hard convincing me to care for O’Neil. And I thought Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” from “Titanic” was the only cringeworthy song from 1997.

Product Placement (Pee Pee for short) featuring brands such as AT&T & Kodak. I’ll let this con slide, due to a lack of other brands to shove down my throat.

The Final Verdict: D, FOR DEMOTION!

G.I. Jane is an underwhelming action war drama lacking substance. If you wanna watch a better war movie, I strongly recommend “Full Metal Jacket,” The Thin Red Line, “Saving Private Ryan,” “Inglorious Basterds,” “Hacksaw Ridge” and my all-time war film, “Dunkirk.” It’s a relief Ridley Scott is doing fine with his career. I’m looking forward to seeing Napoleon.

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