Jurassic Park III

After “Jurassic Park: The Lost World” came out in 1997, a third installment of the Jurassic Park franchise was in the works. Unfortunately, Steven Spielberg was unavailable as he was finishing Stanley Kubrick’s pet project “A.I.: Artificial Intelligence” after the latter’s untimely death. Universal Pictures hired Joe Johnston (Honey I Shrunk The Kids, The Rocketeer, Captain America: The First Avenger) as director. They also hired Alexander “Alex” Payne, (Election, About Schmidt, Sideways) his business partner Jim Taylor & Peter Buchman to pen the script known as “Jurassic Park III.”

Jurassic Park III was officially released in 2001. (same year the Gorillaz’ first album came out) It received mixed reviews from critics, fans and movie goers alike. Although it made some money, Jurassic Park III is the lowest grossing entry in the series. Fourteen Years Later, “Jurassic World” was released earning mixed reviews and made a billion dollars worldwide, followed by “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” which also earned mixed reception and made a billion as well. The reason why I’m sharing my thoughts on the third film is because “Jurassic World: Dominion” will wrap up the franchise with Sam Neill, Laura Dern & Jeff Goldblum reprising their roles as the original trio from the first film. They’ll team up with Chris Pratt & Bryce Dallas Howard for one final adventure.

Today’s review contains SPOILERS.

Mighty & Weak Aspects

Mighty: Sam Neill reprises his role as Alan Grant. He did a great job for his performance.

Laura Dern also reprises her role as Ellie Sattler. Unfortunately, she has a tiny part.

Alessandro Nivola & the late Michael Jeter (Mr. Noodle from Sesame Street) both did a good job for their respective performances.

Action Sequences we’re pretty good. Would’ve given any dinosaur Extra Points for eating Paul & Amanda. I can’t stand those two dimwits.

Stan Winston organized both Computer Animation & Practical Effects. Thank goodness every single creature isn’t butt ugly as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s half-man, half-scorpion form in “The Mummy Returns.”

Don Davis (The Matrix Trilogy) orchestrated the soundtrack.

Opening Scene felt strong with Eric having a fun vacation, until all heck breaks lose when he gets lost.

Besides Alan & Ellie, the only character I cared about is Eric. At least he’s not obnoxious like his parents, Paul & Amanda. He managed to take care of himself dodging bloodthirsty dinosaurs.

The infamous phone ringing inside the Spinosaurus is arguably the best part.

Weak: Joe Johnston didn’t do so well taking over Steven’s directing duty.

Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor & Peter Buchman co-wrote the script. Due to their inexperience writing for a big budget action-adventure blockbuster. Ang Lee & Darren Aronofsky also had the same problem. The former directed “Hulk” and the latter made “Noah.” Not every filmmaker is versatile like Christopher Nolan & Steven Spielberg.

William H. Macy & Téa Leoni play as one of the worst characters in the series, Paul & Amanda Kirby. It’s not entirely their fault for portraying the moronic couple. I blame the producers of Universal pressuring Joe, Alex, Jim & Peter. Back in 2001, the studio were desperate to make a bunch of cash without Mr. Spielberg’s input, because he was busy making A.I.: Artificial Intelligence. Plus, WB were putting the final touches on big budget epics such as Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone” & “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.” I have no beef towards Mr. Macy & Ms. Leoni, they’re both talented.

A nightmare scene involving dinosaur saying the word, “Alan” didn’t feel scary.

Amanda is the worst part of the movie. All she does is scream and shout her son’s name ignoring the fact there’s predatory creatures roaming the island as if Eric is “Lassie.” Whenever she screams in peril, I wanted any dinosaur to chow her down. Amanda is like Willie from “Indiana Jones and The Temple Of Doom.” They’re both dumb blondes who constantly nags and screams obnoxiously throughout. I coin the term “Capshaw’s Disease” or CD for short. It means Kate Capshaw’s character Willie suffers from the aforementioned symptoms. Amanda is one of them alongside Dakota Fanning’s character, Rachel from “War of The Worlds.” Sorry Téa, but your character, Amanda is annoying as fudge which prompts me to Triple Down this flaw. My number one trope I despise is an annoying idiot. The only Amanda I give a crud is Bynes, before she went nutty.

The T-Rex is easily defeated by the Spinosaurus in less than one minute. Imagine if Chuck Norris won the fight against Bruce Lee in “Way of the Dragon” that has nothing to do with memes involving Chuck’s ridiculous facts?

Unlike the first two entries, there’s no epic climax. It’s just a couple of velociraptors getting their eggs backs. Suddenly, The Military arrives. Universal wasted a golden opportunity to focus on a group of heavily armed soldiers searching for Eric. Instead, they made a big boo boo including an obnoxious couple.

Remember in the first movie when Alan & Ellie had subtle chemistry as a couple? The third movie did a one-eighty on them. It’s like the end of “Men in Black” with Kay getting his memory erased so he can marry the girl of his dreams. In the sequel, he broke up with her offscreen. Talk about a gutterball! Alan didn’t get the girl. Meaning, Ellie went on to have a family of her own with a random guy. After everything they went through, it’s as if their chemistry never existed.

The Ending shows some Pterodactyls flying away to another place. This predates Fallen Kingdom’s ending with the little girl releasing every single dinosaur in our world dooming humanity.

The Final Verdict: D, FOR DINO DUNG!

Jurassic Park III is the worst installment of the series or as Ian Malcom describes it as “One big pile of s**t.” If you’re gearing up to see the final installment of the Jurassic Park series, go ahead and rewatch all five entries if you want to refresh your memory.

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