Cruella (NSFW Review)

Cruella is currently out in theaters and streaming on Disney Plus for a premium $30 fee. Critics are giving it positive reviews. Let’s see what it takes if Cruella is a strong start for Disney to make more villain based movies.

This review contains very important SPOILERS. If you haven’t got a chance to see Cruella, read at your very own risk.

WARNING! This review contains Strong Language and off-color material. Unlike Cruella, I’m doing my own darker and edgier take on my article inspired by Martin Scorsese & Terrence Winter’s trademark of excessive swearing and off-color material. If you wish to scroll down, be prepared. Because I refuse to apologize to anybody. Reader’s Discretion Advised.

Beautiful & Ugly Elements

Beautiful: Emma Stone did a great job for her performance as the titular character. Stone also serves as an executive producer.

Stone’s predecessor Glenn Close serves as an executive producer. She must’ve given Stone some tips to put on the high heels.

Other Cast Members such as Emma Thompson, Joel Fry, Paul Walter Hauser (I Tonya, Richard Jewell) & Mark Strong (Kick-Ass, Kingsman: The Secret Service, Shazam) all did a good job for their respective performances.

Chemistry between Cruella, Jasper & Horace serves as the main highlight. Their interactions elevates the story.

Costume Designs look gorgeous. Each one is unique. Designers deserve an Extra Point for each custom made costume.

Soundtrack contains songs from The 70s reflecting the time period.

Unlike the 1996 remake, Jasper & Horace are skilled thieves they’re actually intelligent.

Cruella’s goal is to reclaim a necklace belonging to her mother which is taken from The Baroness.

Ugly: Craig Gillespie failed to double check the script for proper rewrites. He didn’t think this through as a director. I can’t believe the guy who directed I Tonya fucked up a potential origin story.

Screenwriters Tony McNamara (The Favorite, The Great) & Dana Fox (The Wedding Date, Isn’t It Romantic) crafted a piece of shit story failing to craft a cohesive narrative.

Cinematography often suffers from Shaky Cam.

Dalmatians are depicted as poorly rendered C.G.I. Mark Wahlberg’s prosthetic dick in “Boogie Nights” is way more authentic than these PS2 characters!

Cruella’s origin story is one of the dumbest origins I’ve ever seen. I’m not making this shit up. A trio of Dalmatians tackle Cruella’s mom off a balcony. Fuck Off! Why didn’t she fucking dodge them as they approached a few feet away? I can’t believing I’m quoting the R. Kelly meme. Here it goes. “That’s stupid, use your common sense!”

Cruella manages to get hired by The Baroness by sabotaging merchandise after a drunk night. There’s no fuckin’ way somebody gets a job by fuckin’ around an item on display and drawing a wall. That’s like hiring Mel Gibson, Hugh Grant & Lindsay Lohan for being drunk on their assholes. If this we’re real life, The Baroness wouldn’t give her shit.

Although it’s a prequel, Cruella never crossed a huge line. That’s right. She never hates dogs. Oh for fuck’s sake! At first, I thought the first half would focus on her buildup to becoming who is as a dog hater. Later in the second half, she doesn’t change into a diabolical rich bitch. Disney lied to us that they’re were focusing on a full fledge journey to villain movie. What we got is turning Cruella into a hero instead of a villain. It’s as if Rob Zombie wrote the script. He unintentionally made Michael Myers as an anti-hero in the 2007 “Halloween” remake” Almost every character in his remake is an ungrateful fucking asshole lacking redeeming qualities. I have no choice but to Triple Down Points for Disney wasting a golden opportunity to make their own version of Joker. Grow some fuckin’ balls Disney. Elliot Page has a bigger cock than you!

NOTE: I’m not homophobic towards The LGBT Community. I’m pissed off Disney lacks a backbone.

It’s odd Cruella never smokes. It’s like James Bond without drinking his vodka martini or Sonic The Hedgehog’s love for chili dogs. How come she drinks alcohol and doesn’t smoke. Stop being such a pussy!

Speaking of Joker, the marketing for Cruella promised us movie goers this movie will be a darker route as the equivalent to DC Films’ upcoming villain based movies. Unfortunately, Cruella felt G rated without pushing the envelope into another level. Disney fucking lied to me Cruella is a PG-13 film!

Disney claims Cruella’s friend Artie is the first openly gay character. In the actual movie, he never said he’s gay or has a boyfriend. Disney you’re a fuckin’ liar! Whoever said Artie is the first openly gay character should be fucking fired!

Cruella never earned herself Character Development. She never transforms into an evil woman. She remains the same as a good person. Are you fucking kidding me Disney? You’re a bunch of fucking idiots who don’t give a fuck about quality. Warner Bros. is making fun of your incompetence. Heath Ledger & Joaquin Phoenix won an Oscar for portraying Joker. Did Angelina Jolie get an Oscar for Maleficent? Fuck No!

A Plot Hole involving nobody including The Baroness (except Cruella’s childhood friend Anita) didn’t recognize Cruella wearing a mask and dyed her hair. When did everybody become so fucking blind like Stevie Wonder? And I thought the citizens of Metropolis can’t tell the difference between Superman & Clark Kent. Fuckin’ twits lack 20/20 vision.

A 2nd Plot Hole involving Cruella setting her gown on fire to reveal a dress underneath. How the actual fuck is her hair not on fire like Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial?

A 3rd Plot Hole involving Cruella is capable of driving ignoring the fact she’s never driven a car before. Bull-fucking-shit!

Don’t bother watching an after credits scene. It shows Cruella delivering Pongo & Perdita to their owners setting up an unnecessary remake. We already have one back in 1996. This fuckin remake shit again?! None of that shit ever happened in the original and 1996 remake. We don’t want another broken condom like Tim Burton’s “Alice In Wonderland” or “Dumbo.” Don’t get me wrong, I thought the 1996 was average. What’s the point trying to remake something you’ve already done? These fuckers don’t know when to quit making live action remakes.

To put salt in the wound, Cruella is not a prequel to Glenn Close’s movies. The after credits scene is set in The 70s around the same time as the prequel. Damn it!

The Final Verdict: D-

Do not waste your money on this half-ass origin story. I don’t think Cruella is a strong start for Disney to make more villain centric films. All the flaws I’ve listed, indicates why I hate this film. If you wanna watch a proper villain centric movie, I strongly recommend “A Clockwork Orange,” “American Psycho” & Joaquin Phoenix’s Oscar winning performance as Joker. I have no interest in another 101 Dalmatians remake. Cruella’s sympathetic backstory is jack shit. “Maleficent” is the closest thing for a good Disney villain film.

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