Les Misérables

To make an epic musical based on a beloved broadway play, it takes a lot of hard effort to translate it on the silver screen, retain familiar tunes, hire the right people with a talented singing voice, collaborate with screenwriters and lyricists etc. I’m gonna come clean my fellow movie goers, Tom Hooper’s “Les Misérables” is one of the movies I hate but everybody else likes. When I first saw the movie, my brains cells deteriorated. If you wanna know why, scroll down on why I dislike Les Misérables.

Les Misérables came out in 2012. (same year Skyfall came out) It received positive reviews from critics and managed to make a profit at the box office. I swear to god I’m not making this up, Les Mis earned several awards nominations at “The Golden Globes,” “Screen Actors Guild” & “The Academy Awards” Anne Hathaway won many awards for “Best Supporting Actress.” She’s not the problem, the whole gosh darn movie is the problem. How could many awards ceremonies reject “The Avengers,” “Skyfall” & “The Dark Knight Rises” in favor of this visual diarrhea?!

The reason why I’m reviewing this two and half hour piece of crap, is to get ready for Lin-Manuel Miranda’s upcoming adaptation of his acclaimed Broadway musical “Hamilton” streaming on Disney Plus. Release Date is July 3rd. Which is Tom Cruise’s birthday.

Today’s review contains a truckload or SPOILERS. If you haven’t seen the acclaimed broadway read at your very own risk.

On Key & Off Key Qualities

On Key: Hugh Jackman & Anne Hathaway both did a good job for their respective performances. I’m gonna pretend Anne earned an Oscar for her role as Catwoman in “The Dark Knight Rises” as the first actress to win an Academy Award for portraying a comic book character. Heath Ledger is the first male actor to earn an Oscar for playing Joker in “The Dark Knight.” He was also good friends with Joaquin Phoenix who ultimately won “Best Actor” for his role as the title character making him the second actor to win an Oscar as Joker.

Set Pieces are really spot on recreating The 19th Century set in France.

Off Key: Tom Hooper did a poor job directing. He doesn’t realize what the hell he was thinking casting Russell Crowe who’s known for singing terribly.

At first the opening scene starts strong, until Javert butchers it. What I just saw, indicates this movie is gonna suck donkey balls.

Russell Crowe’s singing is so bad. Now I understand Trey Parker & Matt Stone made fun of Russell’s singing on an episode of “South Park.” Russell’s character Javert says “And I’m Javert” is forever a meme he’ll never live it down besides him throwing a phone at a hotel. He got arrested for being a douchebag like fellow Oscar winning asshole Sean Penn. Sorry Russell, I have to give you tough love by Doubling Down your rubbish performance. I can imagine Simon Cowell saying “What the bloody hell was that!”

Cinematography isn’t as good as I thought it would be. Contains some Dutch Angles, (as in Battlefield Earth) extreme close-ups and the worst offender of all, Shaky Cam.

As a movie goers and critic, I am extremely angry, disgusted, repulsed, mortified, appalled, and offended by The Academy for choosing Les Mis as an eligible nominee for “Best Picture.” This movie and The Academy both get Points Triple Down for their idiocy! What a bunch of uncultured swines!

Is it me or does young Cosette reminded me of Dakota Fanning? When I first learned about Les Mis getting made on the big screen, I looked at a poster of a girl who looked like Dakota. I thought she was gonna be in it. Turns out I was bamboozled. It’s as if Tom Hooper photoshopped Dakota on the poster and heavily marketed her everywhere. This is “Kangaroo Jack” level of misleading. Thank god one of my favorite actresses dodged a bullet in favor of “Now Is Good.” Why did she co-starred in “The Twilight Saga,” she knows better than selling her soul to corporate devils!

I know this is based on an acclaimed Broadway musical, but the actors never catch a break from singing throughout. There’s never a conversation with two people talking like human beings. This proves Tom Hooper has never seen a Rodgers & Hammerstein musical or any animated Disney film like my personal favorite “Aladdin.” The singing throughout Les Mis is the equivalent of Michael Bay’s explosions lasting forever.

What the actual hell are Sacha Baron Cohen (one of my favorite comedians) & Helena Bonham Carter doing in this movie as a comedic duo? Aw jeez! I’d rather watch “Sweeney Todd.”

After a time skip to The Third Act, Thenardier’s wig awfully reminds me of Switchblade Sam from “Dennis The Menace.” Am I supposed to take Les Mis seriously or is it becoming a parody of itself?

After Fantine dies peacefully in Jean Verjean’s hands, Javert ruined a dramatic moment singing. I can imagine the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman in “Punch-Drunk-Love” reacting to Russell telling him to shut up.

Amanda Seyfried plays Cosette. This gave me painful Vietnam-esque flashbacks to that god awful “Mamma Mia” movie. That does it! Gonna have to subtract more points for reminding of that dreadful movie with Meryl Streep! The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man! For those of you who don’t know why I dislike Meryl, is because she’s pretentious, dumb and starred in Oscar Bait movies. She’s the equivalent of Tom Brady winning every game.

An early romance between Cosette & Marius occurred. They only knew each other for a day or two. If this were real life, it’ll take them a week or two for them to properly get to know one another before a relationship is established. Ugh! An early romance is one of my most hated cliches.

Javert’s falling to his death felt like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. Crash Bandicoot yelling “WHOA” in any of his games felt dignified and more realistic.

As the last song shows everybody singing, why are dead characters such as Jean Valjean, Javert & Fatine singing despite the fact they died. What are they force ghosts?

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

Les Misérables is by far one of the worst musicals ever made. As a movie goer, I’ve never been so insulted witnessing a beloved musical tarnished by the director of “The King’s Speech” & “Cats.” He knows nothing about making an epic musical like real ones as in Rodgers & Hammerstein or animated Disney musicals. I don’t think Les Misérables deserved a Best Picture nomination at The Oscars or winning a Golden Globe for Best Musical Or Comedy. I’m so appalled “The Avengers” or “Skyfall” never got nominated for “Best Picture.” What The Academy did was playin’ with themselves to Katy Perry in her stupid concert movie “Part Of Me,” rather than choosing eligible nominees.

Les Mis is one of the worst movies of 2012 next to “Pitch Perfect,” (I also dislike it) “That’s My Boy,” “Joyful Noise,” “Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance,” “A Thousand Words,” “The Three Stooges,” “Chernobyl Diaries,” “Madea’s Witness Protection,” “Katy Perry: Part Of Me,” “Total Recall 2012 & “The Oogieloves.”

To quote the late Roger Ebert over Les Mis: “I hated this movie, hated hated hated hated this movie!”

If you want to watch a legit epic musical, I strongly recommend my personal favorites including “Aladdin,” (1992 original) “South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut,” “Rocketman,” “Sweeney Todd,” “La La Land,” “Straight Outta Compton,” (counts as one) “Bohemian Rhapsody” (also counts as one) & “A Star Is Born.” (2018 remake)