Flashback Review: Uptown Girls

Salutations fellow movie goers from across the globe. Today’s “Flashback Review” is about a womanchild who earns herself a “reality check” because she failed to pay her rent. In order to bounce back, she gets a job as a nanny to watch a snarky yet sardonic nine-year-old girl with a fear of germs. The plot I’m referring to is from “Uptown Girls.”

Uptown Girls was released in 2003. (same year The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King came out) It was critically panned by several critics. Although a critical flop, it managed to recoup its expenses at the box office.

With the highly anticipated Quentin Tarantino film, “Once Upon A Time In Hollywood” with Dakota Fanning (one of my favorite actresses) onboard as a henchwoman, I want to share my thoughts about Uptown Girls if it’s a legit movie or just rather plain rubbish. By the way, “The Alienist” is coming back for a second season with Dakota reprising her role as Sara Howard.

Today’s review contains SPOILERS. If you haven’t seen this film, read at your own risk.

Pretty Darn Good & Pretty Darn Ugly Aspects

Pretty Darn Good: The late Brittany Murphy & Dakota “What The Fudge Am I Doing Here” Fanning both did a solid job for their respective performances.

Other Cast Members such as Donald Faison, (Zach Braff’s sidekick from Scrubs) Jesse Spencer (one of Dr. House’s medical staff) & recently coked up Heather Locklear all did a good job for their respective performances.

The title of the movie is named after Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl.” Coincidentally, Captain Jack Sparrow from “Pirates Of The Caribbean,” is named after Billy’s other song “Captain Jack.” Hollywood is known for their habit to name movie titles after popular songs. What’s next, a movie titled “Heart Attack-Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack: You ‘Oughta Know By Now?” Get it?!

Brittany & Dakota’s characters Molly & Ray are similar to Jack Lemmon & Walter Matthau’s characters Oscar & Felix from “The Odd Couple.” I would assume Dakota & her parents watched The Odd Couple as a guide to increase her comedic skills.

Ray’s snarky one-liners made me laugh my butt off. Dakota deserves an Extra Point for her comedic skills.

Dakota did her own ballet dancing. She used to attend ballet classes.

Molly compares Ray’s hallway to “The Shining.” A film adaptation of Stephen King’s “Dreamwalkers” came out the same year as Uptown Girls.

“Sheets Of Egyptian Cotton” is a really catchy tune. It’s also included in the film’s soundtrack. Where the actual heck is Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” or “We Didn’t Start The Fire?”

Dakota plays a character named, Ray. She went on to work with Tom Cruise in “War Of The Worlds.” Tom’s character is also named, Ray. As TV Tropes would call this fact, “Hilarious In Hindsight.”

Molly owns a pet pig. Dakota went on to co-star in a live action remake of “Charlotte’s Web” as Fern, who is Wilbur The Pig’s original human owner.

At the 31 minute mark. Is it me or does that guy look like Martin Short?

Molly has a sad past as in Bruce Wayne’s tragic backstory, but not from a random mugger.

Coney Island factors in as a spiritual deep connection to Molly.

A dramatic moment with Ray is heartbreaking about the death of her father. Why the heck did Dakota have to be in this movie alongside “The Cat In The Hat?!” Did her parents forced their own daughter to star in bad movies to pay off their backed taxes?!

Pretty Darn Ugly: Boaz Yakin (Remember The Titans) did a butt ugly job for directing the film. He’s a one hit wonder.

Fisher Stevens (Indian guy from Short Circuit) produced this butt release.

A premature romance occurred between Molly & her love interest Neal. Aw Jeez! I hate an early romance involving two characters! In the real world, it’ll take a few days or weeks to know the person until a relationship is established. Larry David off of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” has a point about a “premature honey.”

Molly misses Neal. She is such a dumb blonde, because she never realizes there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Nobody acts like that in real life! If a girl breaks up with me, I’ll get over it.

Molly is not very capable of everyday chores. She doesn’t know how to take care of her laundry, bake cookies, never pays her bills & touches Ray’s valuable doll collection worth a lot of cash.

A “we are through” cliche happened early when Molly quote her first day as Ray’s nanny. It’s predictable in most buddy cop films when you absolutely know that two partners will get back together. Woody & Buzz Lightyear have a way better chemistry than those two!

Another we are through cliche happened again. Has anybody ever seen a buddy cop film like “Rush Hour” in their life?!

Product Placement featuring brands such as Ford, Pez, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, Evian, Apple, Sharp, JVC & Coca-Cola.

The Final Verdict: C, FOR CARDI B’S FART BUBBLES!

Uptown Girls is a disappointing female buddy dramedy lacking a legit protagonist, a predictable narrative & a we are through cliche used twice without double checking the screenplay. You wanna watch a real buddy film, go watch the Rush Hour films, the “Lethal Weapon” films & “The Nice Guys.”

I hope Dakota Fanning gets back on the right track. The Alienist gave me a hint she’ll earn her status as a respected actress. If she does a B.A. (look up the acronym on the Urban Dictionary) job in Quentin Tarantino’s 9th film, it could be a “Renaissance” for her career similar to Matthew McConaughey & Brendan Fraser. They’re both doing great right now.

Please Dakota, don’t partake in movies equivalent to fart water! I’m counting on you to star in roles equivalent to clean water.

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