Flashback Review: Christmas With The Kranks

Greetings & Salutations fellow movie goers from around the world. We’re getting close to Christmas Day with many of us eager to spend time with our family members, eating like a pig & opening presents. Before we celebrate, one movie is labeled as one of the worst Christmas related films of all time starring Tim Allen & Jamie Lee Curtis in a film adaptation called “Christmas With The Kranks,” based on a novel by John Grisham, the same guy who wrote “The Firm.”

Christmas With The Kranks was released in 2004. (same year The Polar Express came out) It earned negative reviews from critics.

The following review contains important SPOILERS. If you haven’t seen this movie, read at your own risk. If you’re somewhat interested seeing this film, so be it. I’ll do my best not to copy any jokes related to Nostalgia Critic’s review of the film.

Nice & Naughty Aspects

Nice: Tim Allen & Jamie Lee Curtis did a fair job for their performances. They’re the closest thing for portraying stable characters.

The film is based on a novel called, “Skipping Christmas” by John Grisham. (The Firm, The Rainmaker)

The only joke that made me laugh was when Tim Allen’s character, Luther injects Botox on his face. His eyebrows look like Christian Slater’s signature eyebrows frozen in a block of ice.

Naughty: Dan Aykroyd, Cheech Marin & Jake Busy all did an idiotic job for their performances.

The Kranks’s neighbors are mentally deranged stalkers trying to show them the true meaning of Christmas. Nobody acts like that in real life! The citizens of Whoville from “The Grinch” weren’t like that towards the green guy. They didn’t have to constantly harass him and by automatically turning him turn good.

Besides many of their neighbors, Dan Aykroyd’s character, Vic Frohmeyer acts like a complete lunatic by trying to make The Kranks’s celebrate Christmas. Is Vic actually the grand master of the mysterious cult from Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut?” Stanley’s film is also set during Christmas month which makes perfect sense.

Chris Columbus wrote the screenplay. I can’t believe the same guy who directed the first two “Harry Potter0 films, also produced a moronic movie worse than “Prisoner Of Azkaban.” Chris is you’re reading this? Why did you waste your talent producing god awful films like “I Love You Beth Cooper?!”

A Plot Hole involving Santa Claus who turns out to be a stranger who looks like Martin Short. Why didn’t Santa take The Kranks to their vacation or used his elves to organize decorations, a Christmas tree or something important before The Kranks’ daughter made it home? I have no choice but to Double Down this Plot Hole for making me destroy my Suspension Of Disbelief!

At one point, Nora hides in the covers like a first grader. She’s a grown woman! Laurie Strode from “Halloween” would never hide in the covers, she uses stealth tactics to fight and escape the wrath of Michael Myers!

Seriously? What’s with Frosty The Demonic Snowman? There’s no valid explanation why it’s alive. Is it Michael Keaton’s disastrous “Jack Frost” coming back to haunt us?

Police Officers incompetently let Luther go of him stealing a Christmas tree, rather than putting him in bars. When did they become the idiot cops from “Reno 911?”

In one scene, Tim Allen is shown wearing a speedo while tries to get himself a tan. If he wore a thong, I would’ve Double Down this flaw making me feel sick to my stomach seeing Buzz Lightyear in a thong.

Is it me, or does an employee from a tanning store looks like a rejected cast member from “Jersey Shore?”

A chase scene using music from The Nutcracker rips off a chase scene from “Jingle All The Way.” “The Family Stone” used music from The Nutcracker by trying a different scene not stealing.

A pointless scene shows Luther wearing white-makeup all for the sake of an unfunny joke.

Fake lookin’ C.G.I. showing Santa riding off in a Volkswagen. (not making this up fellas) Remember when Sony released “Spider-Man 2” the same year Christmas With The Kranks came out? Spidey went on to win an Oscar for “Best Visual Effects,” but The Kranks used C.G.I. resembling a PlayStation 2 game? The latter film was made by the same movie studio.

Near the end of the film, a burglar becomes the main antagonist. We don’t know anything about him. Harry & Marv from the first two “Home Alone” movies were given prominent screen time.

Product Placement (Pee Pee for short) featuring brands such as Coca-Cola, Carnival Cruise, Payless Shoestore, Kraft, Ford, Minute Maid & Starbucks. EGADS! It’s pretty close to Adam Sandler level of Product Placement.

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

Christmas With The Kranks is a mind numbing frustrating cluster fudge lacking any heartwarming quality whatsoever. Do not, I repeat, do not waste your spare time on this avalanche! If you want to watch a Christmas movie with a creepy atmosphere, I highly recommend “American Psycho” & “Eyes Wide Shut.” They are superior than The Kranks.

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