SSSSSSS

Salutations fellow movie goers from across the world. Today’s review is a cheesy sci-fi horror film from The 70’s about an old scientist, who recruits a college boy to help him work on an experiment involving snakes. Unbeknownst to him, the scientist injects a serum into his lab partner’s bloodstream slowly transforming him into a snake. The basic premise I’m referring to is a cheesy movie predating The Sci-Fi Channel’s low budget stinkers called, “SSSSSSS.” Hear me out, I’m not making this up, it’s actually the name of the film. Don’t believe me, look up the poster or DVD/Blu-Ray cover.

SSSSSSS was released in 1973. It received negative reviews from critics and failed to make a profit at the box office.

Before Mystery Science Theater 3000 gets their hands on the film to make fun of it now that the show is on Netflix right now, I’d like to present my real thoughts on SSSSSSS.

The following review contains massive SPOILERS. If you never seen or heard about this obscure movie, read at your own risk.

Curable & Incurable Elements

Curable: Actual snakes were used in filming. A disclaimer pops up confirming nobody was harmed during the making of this film.

The Scientist’s delusional motive clearly makes sense as he’s trying to transform humanity into half-human half-reptiles to prevent human extinction.

Prosthetic Makeup was used to show David slowly transforming.

Cinematography looks normal never displaying any technical flaws.

Incurable: The film’s title is quite stupid, indicating this movie is gonna stink like Matthew McConaughey’s B.O. because he never uses deodorant.

The movie lacks a legit scare factor to send chills down my spine. I was cringing, I went to the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and yelled, “WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!” I gotta Double Down this con for no scary element to make me feel queasy or giving me night terrors!

The old scientist’s last name is Stoner. I’m not making this up fellas. What kind of screenwriter would name a character after Willie Nelson on the cover of “Weedies?” Whoever encouraged an executive producer at Universal for approving a last name like Stoner, must’ve been pretty high. Upon hearing his last name, my brain cells died from stupidity!

Besides Dr. Stoner, most of the main characters aren’t memorable. Just plain forgettable lacking interesting personalities.

The Pacing is slow, alternating between the main plot focusing on David’s transformation and two useless subplots involving Dr. Stoner trying to raise money for his laboratory experiments while David and his love interest Kristina, (also Dr. Stoner’s daughter) spend time with each other.

Close-ups of David’s skin combined with cheesy editing somewhat resembles a cheesy body lotion commercial with sad piano music playing in the background.

Dr. Stoner’s former patient is named Tim McGraw. The real life county singer must be ashamed to hear his name as Stoner’s first guinea pig sold as a circus freak.

Fake lookin’ leafs were pasted on the camera censoring David & Kristina’s backsides as they skinny dip at a lake. Why couldn’t the director place a camera in front of real bushes? Am I suppose to take this romantic moment seriously or does it predate the opening credits to Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me?

After David fights a bully, two cops didn’t restrain or arrest either of them for assault. Police Officers in real life would never let an evil doer get away with crime. Who’s in charge of the local police department Chief Wiggum? (from The Simpsons)

David fully transforms into a cobra with blue eyes. I think the film wasted a golden opportunity in multiple perspectives to see a half-man half-reptile going on a killing spree, being used as a military weapon, a tragic individual desperately seeking for a cure or something that’ll make me want to root for him.

Dr. Stoner grabs a cobra’s head, which is actually a plastic puppet you find at a Halloween dollar store.

Dr. Stoner’s former assistant Tim, who’s now half-human & half-reptile, looks like the lovechild of a Sleestak (from Land Of The Lost) & Michael Jackson. (he suffered from Vitiligo) When I first saw what he looked like, I was laughing.

The film abruptly ends with David in cobra form being attacked by a mongoose with the cops and Kristina entering the lab as a cop tries to get a clear shot. Imagine if the final battle from Terminator 2: Judgement Day never showed us who won?

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

SSSSSSS is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. As the film progresses, my brain cells start to fade away slowly transforming me into a starfish named Patrick Star (from SpongeBob SquarePants) lacking common sense, intelligence, forgiveness, empathy, a moral compass etc. Whatever you do, don’t waste your precious time or hard earned cash on this total cluster fudge! If you want to watch a way better film about a man who slowly transforms into a monstrous hybrid, I strongly recommend Jeff Goldblum in David Cronenberg’s The Fly, that’ll keep you satisfied with an interesting premise, a tragic romance, character development among other positive qualities.

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