Star Wars: The Last Jedi (NSFW)

After the release of “The Force Awakens,” Disney immediately began development on a second entry to “The Sequel Trilogy” featuring returning characters, hiring Rian Johnson, (Looper) as the director, and setting a storyline set literally a minute after The Force Awakens ended. The name of the eighth installment is called, “The Last Jedi.”

The Last Jedi was released in theaters worldwide, earning positive reviews from critics, however, longtime fans were irritated on what they just witnessed from beginning, middle, and end. Despite mixed reception from both critics and fans, the film was also a box office success.

The Last Jedi is about Rey visiting Luke Skywalker so she can learn to become a Jedi, while Kylo Ren & The First Order are chasing The Resistance, led by General Leia Solo.

The following article contain big fat SPOILERS. You are allowed to read this review. Let’s dig deep on why the eighth entry to the Star Wars saga is earning mixed reactions from both critics and movie goers from certain point of views.

Balanced & Unbalanced Elements

Balanced: Returning Cast Members from The Force Awakens including, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Anthony Daniels, Adam Driver, Andy Serkis, Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Issac, Gwendoline Christie, & Lupita Nyongo, all did an excellent job on their respective performances.

New Cast Members to the franchise such as, Laura Dern, Benicio Del Toro, Kelly Marie Tran, all did a great job on their respective performances.

Celebrities featuring, Edgar Wright, Joesph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hardy, Prince William & Prince Harry make uncredited cameo appearances. Too bad some were cut out.

Action Sequences were excellent ranging from space battles, laser blasters, and lightsaber combat, all in one complete package.

Similar to The Force Awakens, and Rogue One, Special Effects are a combination of Practical and C.G.I. Effects blended together.

Cinematography looked spot on decent
without technical problems present throughout the whole thing.

The Plot isn’t a retelling of The Empire Strikes Back. It’s an original story. Thank goodness that Disney took some feedback from fans.

Penguin lookin’ creatures called Porgs, weren’t too stupid lookin’ like Jar Jar’s species. I will declare that The Porgs reminded me of Ewoks.

A character from The Original Trilogy, makes a surprising appearance. I won’t tell you who it is? I’m giving this pro, an Extra Point for making me feel happy.

If you want to pay your respects to Carrie Fisher, The Ending Credits shows a dedication of the late actress. I’ll give The Cast & Crew a truckload of Bonus Points remembering their colleague.

Unbalanced: One important character’s backstory is somewhat a disappointment. It’s as if Rian Johnson took a dump, then he uses a few pages from the script containing a specific flashback and he wipes his asshole, making the past look like the meteor (that frozen chunk of poopie) from “Joe Dirt!” Gonna have to Double Down this problem for ruining a golden opportunity! Now the character is one of my least favorite characters of the Star Wars franchise! I nominated him/her as one of the worst characters of 2017!

A character becomes a premature girlfriend. In real life. You only get the girl once you’ve seen her ten times.

One of the main characters’ presence, felt like a wasted opportunity to include him as a much more powerful threat than Emperor Palpatine. Darn it Rian! Now I also have to Double Down points!

The Final Battle was anti-climatic. Rian, what you just did, is one of the most insanely idiotic thing that you’ve ever wrote and may god have mercy on your soul. I have no choice but to also Double Down points.  “It’s a Billy Madison” line. Mr. Sandler if you’re reading this, please don’t sue!

The Final Verdict: B- for casual movie goers, and C, for fans like me.

Despite a few blemishes, The Last Jedi is average, it’s definitely not on the same page as The Empire Strikes Back. This film has got to be the biggest disappointment for fans like me since the first two films from The Prequel Trilogy. Please Disney, don’t make Episode 9 a disastrous disappointment!

R.I.P. Carrie Fisher. Thank you for the memories, longtime fans shall forever remember you’re role as Princess Leia. You are the one with The Force.

Here are my SPOILER NOTES. I’m warning you! Each reason has a bunch of plot points on why I think it’s a colossal disaster since the first two films from The Prequel Trilogy. It made me very angry to suffer from the bad stuff.


The following section is not for kids or anybody sensitive to strong pervasive language. It’s Not Safe For Work. (NSFW for short)

Rey’s Parents were a wasted opportunity, I thought she was gonna be Snoke’s daughter. Why didn’t Disney construct Snoke’s evil plan to use Rey as a living weapon to eradicate The Resistance? I have no choice but to Double Down this flaw. Rian you are a fucking moran!

A Plot Hole involving Rey’s parents on why they didn’t protect their daughter by using their force powers, rather than selling her for money. My brains cells just died from this Plot Hole. This makes Kylie Jenner’s (a slut) Mom and Dad/Mom Number 2’s parenting skills look tame, compare to Rey’s Mom and Dad!

Finn & Rose’s chemistry felt like a distraction. Rose kinda reminded me of a male version of Pepe LePew because he’s a stalker. In the real world, having a boyfriend or girlfriend will take you days to officially establish a relationship.

Rose never lets Finn pulled an ultimate sacrifice in order to let The Resistance win. Because of Rose’s horny tendencies, she gives a speech about why we can’t sacrifice ourselves if we want to win. She doesn’t remember that her sister sacrifice herself for the greater good during a space battle. First Jar Jar, now Rose is a stupid ass in the Star Wars universe. I have to Double Down this con for depicting Rose as a stupid ass bitch.

Kylo Ren kills Snoke. What The Fuck Was That?! I think it was way too soon to kill off Snoke. Imagine if Emperor Palpatine suffered a massive heart attack in The Empire Strike Back? If he did, Return Of The Jedi would’ve never happened!

Yoda (as a Force Ghost) somehow acquires the ability to summon lightning. I just discovered another Plot Hole on why Force Ghosts didn’t use lightning to help out The Rebel Alliance In The Original Trilogy. Don’t tell me that Force Ghosts are also slackers! God Fucking Damnit Rian! Can’t believe The Jedi are a bunch of lazy assholes!

They made Luke Skywalker a cross between Casey Anthony (a psychopathic twat) & The Cowardly Lion. Because he nearly killed his only nephew, Kylo Ren in a flashback and he was slacking off until The Climax. Remember in Return Of The Jedi that he refuses to murder his father? Now take a look at him attempting to murder his sister’s son! Jerry Smith from “Rick & Morty” is far more braver than Luke!

The First Order never shoot Finn & Rose while they’re having a moment together? What were the guys doing, texting offscreen? Our military would never do that in real life, just to witness two people having a romantic moment. If I were in charge of The First Order I say, “Fire Finn & that dirty fuckin’ whore!”

Rey learned nothing from Luke. Unlike The Empire Strikes Back, there was no proper training and somehow, Rey is already a fucking professional. I find it unrealistic and it broke my Suspension Of Disbelief.

The fight between Luke & Kylo was anti-climatic. Luke didn’t die in a noble way. He just vanished after projecting a decoy. Porkins had a more noble sacrifice than Luke The Cowardly Fuckin’ Jedi! Porkins, fatass X-wing pilot had a dignified sacrifice trying to destroy The Death Star from A New Hope.

Holdo, (Laura Dern’s character) is completely incompetent on why she didn’t tell Poe that she formulated a plan to fight back The First Order. Imagine if our military never captured Saddam Hussein without a proper strategist. HOLDO’S A FUCKIN’ IDIOT!

Besides Luke’s death, Captain Phasma died in an unexpected battle between her & Finn. I thought she was gonna have a bigger role in this entry, but no, Rian had the guts to kill off a professional high ranking storm trooper! You leave me now choice but to also Double Down this con! Did Rian Johnson hired George R.R. Martin to kill off characters too soon?!

The Balance between The Light Side & The Dark Side, is no longer a Yin & Yang mythos. You have got to be fuckin’ kidding me! This is far more worse than midichlorions which made The Jedi look like Scientologists! No offense Tom Cruise & John Travolta.

My Real Final Verdict: C, FOR CONSTIPATION!

I hope Ron Howard better now fuck up Han Solo’s spin-off movie. All we can do is cross our fingers and meditate. FOR FUCK’S SAKE DISNEY! Don’t hire Rian Johnson (you can go fuck yourself) to make his own trilogy. You’d have to be a crazy bastard to let him piss the fuckin’ franchise! One more thing, I want someone to beat Rose’s ass in the next film for sequel baiting us in the most insulting way. #fuckrosetico #fuckthelastjedi

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