Regression

Today’s review is a movie based on true events, which is about a detective who’s assigned with a case involving an abused young woman linked to a mysterious satanic cult. What I’m talking about, is the plot of a mystery crime film called, “Regression.”

Regression was released in 2015 in selected limited theaters, without a global worldwide release. It received negative reviews from critics and it also made enough revenue at the box office, despite the overwhelming negative reactions.

The following review contains massive SPOILERS. If you haven’t seen this movie, read at your own risk.

YAY & NAY

Yay: Emma Watson, Ethan Hawke, & Davis Thewlis, all did a good job for their performances.

A Pause Worthy Moment featuring a photo of Emma Watson as a little kid. Makes me want to buy some “Member Berries,” (from South Park) during her glory days as Hermione Granger from Harry Potter.

I’ll give this movie an Extra Point for David Thewlis, (A.K.A. Professor Lupin from Harry Potter) partaking in this film, which means he & Emma are reunited as co-stars again.

Nay: I swear to god and for the love of cinema, Ethan Hawke’s character is named Bruce Kenner. When I first heard his name, I literally facepalmed and said, “OH JEEZ!” His name rhymes with Jenner, as in Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner! Are you flipping kidding me! I’m gonna have to Triple Down this con because this has got to be one of the worst character names I have ever heard in my entire life since Christmas Jones from The World Is Not Enough & Jupiter Jones from Jupiter Ascending.

There’s another ridiculous name for a character named George Nesbitt. If you’ve seen Toy Story, Buzz Lightyear gets “drunk” claiming that he’s Mrs. Nesbitt. Good lord! When is this becoming an unintentional comedy!? Are the people who made this picture are just a bunch of uncultured swines without coming up with original names!?

None of the characters were interesting and they’re completely forgettable.

How is staring at people a death threat? It’s not actually a calling card. Starring at someone is pretty awkward. Larry David would often stare at somebody in an awkward way in case he/she might be lying.

Lack of chemistry between Ethan Hawke & Emma Watson’s characters. There’s an unnecessary moment with them sharing a kiss. She’s a victim of abuse and I find that creepy because the cop arrested her father and he’s accused of abusing her and it’s way too soon to hook up!

The Plot Twist reveals the whole thing involving the satanic cult, was made up and the cops, local townspeople, were the ones that manipulated individuals by creating false memories. M. Night Shylamlan can write better plot twists than this piece of gigantic crap!

This film is a total waste of time! No stakes were involved no character driven storylines and nobody displayed any strengths or weaknesses! To put salt in the wound, there’s no proper Three Act Structure!

The Final Verdict: F, AS IN FAKER!

Do not I repeat, do not waste your time on this epic clunker! This has got to be one of the stupidest crime films I’ve ever seen! Columbo is more entertaining with a whole season than this mind numbingly convoluted stinker! If you want to watch a better crime film based on true events, I strongly recommend Goodfellas or Fargo. That’ll keep you satisfied from beginning to end.

Ms. Emma Watson, if you’re reading this, congratulations on your activism on gender equality, I don’t mean no disrespect towards you, but your movie is an epic failure. I’ve been a huge fan of your work since Harry Potter, I just got a bad feeling that you’ll become a has-been. If I were you, I want you to work with these big shot filmmakers including Christopher Nolan, (my favorite director of all time) Quentin Tarantino, James Cameron, Ridley Scott, Paul Thomas Anderson, The Coen Brothers, David Fincher, & Martin Scorsese. These are the big guns you should work with, and if you choose to work with one of them, I will be very happy and still watch your movies as a way to support your status as an actress.

I’m not forcing to make a career decision, I just want to help you out as a fan. You’re a beautiful, talented, disciplined, young woman, wise beyond your years. Please don’t screw up your reputation as an entertainer. Look at how Harrison Ford & Tom Cruise manage to top their iconic roles, besides just one role that they’re known for. If you’ve follow my advice, you’ll earn a lot of respect from fans and movie goers, across the globe. Please Emma, do the right thing and think before you choose a specific project.