Gigli (Sony’s Flops Vol. 1 #14)

Movies in 2003 had some ups and downs. The ups are great ones like “Kill Bill,” “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl,” “X2: X-Men United” and Oscar winning hit, “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.” The downs are stinkers like “The Cat in the Hat,” “Spy Kids 3D: Game Over & “Charlie’s Angels; Full Throttle.” One movie in particular nearly ruined Ben Affleck’s career. The one I’m referring to is none other than “Gigli.”

Released in 2003, (same year Trigun aired on Adult Swim) it was critically panned by critics and movie goers alike. To put salt in the wound, it was a commercial flop. Gigli won multiple Razzies including “Worst Picture.” Ben Affleck managed to bounce back on his thanks to directing legit movies such as “Gone Baby Gone,” “The Town” and the Oscar winning Best Picture, “Argo.” Anyway, Ben Affleck will star and direct an upcoming crime thriller, “Animals.” Jennifer “JLo” Lopez will star in Robert Zemeckis’ upcoming crime thriller “The Last Mrs. Parrish.” Both movies will stream sometime around 2026.

It doesn’t matter if SPOILERS are present. This movie doesn’t deserve to exist.

Real & Fake Qualities

Real: Christopher Walken & Al Pacino both did a fair job for their respective performances. They needed a paycheck. I’ll give ‘em the benefit of the doubt.

Random Thought; I had no idea “Sheep in the Big City” is an actual cartoon that used to air on Cartoon Network. I thought it was a fever dream. I only grew up watching anime on Toonami, “Ed, Edd n Eddy,” Bruce Timm’s “Justice League,” “Teen Titans” “Megas XLR” & “Code Lyoko.”

Fake: Ben Affleck’s performance as the titular character wasn’t good. I couldn’t take his New York accent seriously. Ben admits regretting to partake in Gigli. He wanted to worked with Martin Brest. 2003 wasn’t a good year Mr. Affleck. He starred in two whimpers, “Daredevil” & “Paycheck.”

As for Jennifer “JLo” Lopez she’s not suited well as a female gangster. Her performance is wooden.

Martin Brest (Beverly Hills Cop, Midnight Run, Scent of a Woman) isn’t the one to blame. It was the producers of Sony forced him to tweak his dark comedy project into a rom-com in order to cash in on Bennifer. As a result, Martin went A.W.O.L. He never made another movie after Gigli. Hollywood can ruin a person’s career. I’m subtracting a million points for Sony crossing a huge line.

John Powell’s soundtrack is manipulative. For instance, Gigli acts nice to Brian so they can go to the Baywatch. Sympathetic music plays in the background.

Justin Bartha’s performance as Brian is insufferable. This makes Sean Penn’s performance in “I Am Sam” look forgiving. Totally not Justin’s fault. It ain’t easy trying to make the it big in Hollywood. Sometimes, you gotta start somewhere before you make it to the big leagues. Justin eventually went on to star in good movies like “National Treasure” its sequel and “The Hangover.”

Pacing’s off. Almost every scene is slow.

Gigli himself is a terrible protagonist. He lacks redeeming qualities. All he does is bully Brian. He tells him to act “fucking normal.” His words not mine. If you’re gonna make a villain protagonist, you have to care for him. For example, Tony Montana in “Scarface,” has a soft spot for kids. Despite his flaws, he’s likable. Gigli however, is a complete asshole.

Dialogue’s absolutely ridiculous. Gigli claims he’s the bull and calls Ricki a cow. Who the hell makes a comparison like that? Other lines besides “I’m the bull, you’re the cow!”

It’s turkey time. Gobble Gobble.
God bless my penis.
Suck my dick dot com.
That’s old school, you’re old school too Larry.
Put some on your head!
Interested? Yeah!
When are we going to the Baywatch?

So many inconsistencies as if this movie lacks rules and common sense. Who’s The Pope of this universe, Bizzaro from Superman? He always speaks the opposite.

Louis discusses his illegal activities to Gigli in public. In the mob world, gangsters talk about their schemes in a discreet location.
Lack of security in a mental hospital, a morgue and a shooting location. Sheesh! This ain’t Gotham City for crying out loud!
A dumb conversation about fingernails. They’re not interesting. It’s a feature outside the human body.
Gigli speaks with a New York accent. This movie takes place somewhere in California.
Ricki’s stalker, just happened to show up at Gigli’s apartment. She cuts her wrists. Cut to a the hospital. Gigli sneaks inside the morgue to cut a finger. Painfully lazy writing. Ricki’s stalker doesn’t come back after her pointless scene.
Gigli’s mother embarrasses him by confirming to Ricki she used to “experiment in college.” Nobody says that to their kid in real life!
Christopher Walken only shows up in one scene. After that, he never came back.
Ricki’s intimidation scene to leave a group of unruly teens alone isn’t threatening. Painfully awkward. You know who’s way more intimidating? Wolverine giving the middle claw.
Chemistry between Gigli & Ricki is so bad. I didn’t care for ‘em.
I know he’s mentally handicapped, but Brian can’t tell the difference between a flashlight and a cell phone. Gigli tricks Brian into grabbing a walkie talkie pretending it’s a phone. Then, he calls Louis on his actual phone.
Gigli doesn’t own any books to read Brian s bedtime story. How come he didn’t Ricki to borrow her book, “Being Peace?”
At the end, Brian goes to the Baywatch. It’s actually a filming location for a dance scene. Somehow, Brian manages to pick up a young woman. They happily dance together. Baywatch isn’t a beach party, it’s a TV show.

I did not laugh at one funny moment. Not one little bit.

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

Gigli is arguably the worst film of 2003. It pales in comparison to an actual Ben Affleck rom-com, Chasing Amy.” A darn shame Martin Brest got royally screwed by Sony. Hollywood isn’t a good place to make it rich and successful. Not everybody gets a happy ending. Luckily, Ben Affleck got his career back on track. Despite starring in poorly received rom-coms, JLo’s still in good shape selling millions of albums. Gigli serves as a customary tale for filmmakers. Why? Because working for a movie studio will screw your career.