What do you get when you put vampires, werewolves, horrible Nicholas Sparks novels like “The Notebook,” leftover cringy romantic dialogue from “Attack of the Clones” and one-dimensional Disney couples like Aurora and Prince Philip in a blender? You get “The Twilight Saga.”
In 2005, Stephanie Mayer published a book titled, “Twilight.” A teenage girl named, Bella Swan moves to Washington. She meets Edward Cullen. At first, Bella’s not interested in him. One day, Edward saves her from a speeding van. He tells her he’s a vampire. The pair fall in love. Conflict ensues when a trio of vampires. Twilight earned mixed receptions and sold millions of copies. Stephanie later wrote three books, “New Moon,” “Eclipse & “Breaking Dawn.” Three Years Later, Summit Entertainment produced a film adaptation of the first book starring Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson as Bella & Edward.
Released in 2008, (same year Coldplay’s fourth album Viva la Vida or Death and All his Friends came out) it received divisive reactions and was a box office success. Followed by two sequels and a two-part finale. I have three reasons why I wanna review The Twilight Saga, Robert Pattinson has three upcoming films. Mark your calendars.
- Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey – July 17, 2026
- Dune Part Three – December 18, 2026
- The Batman – October 1, 2027
It doesn’t matter if SPOILERS are present. The Twilight Saga isn’t amazing.
Alive & Dead Qualities
Alive: Anna Kendrick & Edi Gathegi both did a solid job for their respective performances. They’re the closest to normal acting. Mr. Gathegi has come a long way. He’s Mr. Terrific in James Gunn’s DC Universe.
Linkin Park’s “Leave Out All the Rest” plays during the End Credits. This movie gets one point back when Linkin Park was good. I used to like them when Chester Bennington was alive. The new singer, Emily Armstrong defended Danny Masterson.
Bella mentioned radioactive stuff and Kryptonite. It’s funny because Robert Pattinson later played Superman’s bestie, Batman.
Dead: Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson didn’t do a good job for their respective performances. The former acts stoic, looks like she ate too much Taco Bell as if she needs to go to the restroom. Bella always has her mouth open. The latter’s a creepy dweeb always staring at Bella.
Catherine Hardwicke (Thirteen) didn’t do a solid job directing.
Unfun Facts
- Both, Kristen & Robert actually hate the books. They probably participated in the movies for money. Afterwards, they went on to work on proper movies.
- Somehow, Twilight won two MTV Movie Awards for “Best Kiss” and “Best Movie.” I’m appalled it won instead of actual 10/10 contenders like “Iron Man” or “The Dark Knight.” When Twilight took home Best Movie, I lost a huge amount of respect to the MTV Movie Awards.
Visual Effects are laughably bad. Especially, Edward climbing on a tree while carrying Bella on his back. Pretty jarring “Cloverfield” had better effects with a lower budget than Twilight.
Cinematography’s often janky.
Pacing’s off. Boring as heck. Nothing happens until Act 3. I pity every guy who took their girlfriend to see every Twilight movie.
The filter desaturated with a slight blue hue. This ain’t a neo-noir sci-fi thriller like “Minority Report.”
Chemistry between Bella & Edward felt odd. MTV Movie Award for Best Kiss my behind! That’s its greatest sin! Not caring about them! Arnold & Helga from “Hey Arnold” had a better complex relationship!
Dialogue retains Stephenie’s writing. As if George Lucas wrote it.
- Bella said, “I don’t really like the rain.” This gave me “Attack of the Clones” flashbacks. “I don’t like sand.”
- Bella also said this, “Woah, what is going on.” She’s not Kenau Reeves. Only he can deliver something cheesy and turning it good.
- Edward delivers a cringy line. “I like watching you when you sleep.” This Ariel from “The Little Mermaid” stalking territory.
- Edward delivers yet another cringy line. “You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.” Who the hell says that?
- You better hold on tight, spider monkey.
- I’m design to kill.
- I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much before.
- You can Google it.
On their first day of Biology class, Edward gives Bella that creepy stare until class is dismissed. Not a single student addresses the situation to the teacher.
Somehow, Edward managed to prevent Bella from becoming a vampire by sucking out the venom. That’s not how it works. Vampires are not like snakes. Being bit by one means your circulatory system has immediately changed.
The dumbest scene is when The Cullens plays baseball while Muse’s “Supermassive Black Hole” plays in the background. Ugh! This is so stupid! How dare Summit Entertainment included a song by one of my favorite bands! Gonna have to Triple Down Points for this dumb baseball scene and using a great tune!
Seriously? Who the heck gets offended by human scent? Edward sensing Bella’s scent.
The Vampire lore isn’t an interesting take. Edward and the vampires look like they’re going to a My Chemical Romance concert. Lack fangs. Every time Edward takes his shirt off, sunlight makes him sparkle. Ugh! Wesley Snipes’ Blade worked because he’s half-human, half-vampire who can roam in both daytime and night. He’s wears an awesome black coat, wields a sword, guns and has martial arts skills.
I didn’t care about The Prom.
Jacob informs Bella that his family will be watching her. Setting up the next installment, New Moon.
The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!
Twilight is the start of a terrible (or as Cleveland Family Guy calls it turrible) franchise. I’m baffled it won two MTV Movie Awards. This is not a great vampire movie. It pales in comparison to the first two Blade movies. If you wanna watch The Twilight Saga just to poke fun at it like “Mystery Sciene Theater 3000,” invite your friend over and have a good time roasting.
Nickthemoviecritic.com 