Alvin and the Chipmunks

In 1958, Ross Bagdasarian penned, “Witch Doctor.” Once he recorded the vocal part, he sped up the vocals on high pitch. This served as a prototype to his biggest creation, “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” Later that year, Ross penned another song, “The Chipmunk Song.” The lyrics officially introduced the trio, Alvin, Simon, & Theodore. Their manager and adopted father, Dave Seville is known for shouting his catchphrase, “ALVIN!” Whenever Alvin does something reckless for attention or just plain arrogant. It became a surprised hit in the band’s debut album, “Let’s All Sing with The Chipmunks.” It won a Grammy Award for “Best Children’s Music Album.”

Alvin and The Chipmunks made more albums becoming the first animated fictional band to earn more than one certified Platinum Album. Cartoons aired in 1961, 1983 and 2015. They got their first animated movie, “The Chipmunk Adventure” where they go on a glob trotting race against their rival band, The Chipettes. Followed by two direct-to-video movies, “Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet Frankenstein” & Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet The Wolf Man.”

My first exposure to Alvin and the Chipmunks was the 1983 cartoon that used to air on Cartoon Network in the late ’90s. I also watched the aforementioned direct-to-video movies on Cartoon Network’s former programming block, Cartoon Theatre. Anyway, 20th Century Fox (pre-Disney purchase) and Ross Bagdasarian Jr. collaborated to adapt a live-action adaptation after the latter sued Universal Pictures for not properly taking care of the franchise for legal reasons. Jason Lee signed on to play Dave Seville. Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler (Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds) & Jesse McCartney (Roxas from Kingdom Hearts) also signed on to voice the titular band.

Released in 2007, (same year Sunshine came out) it received negative reviews from critics and was a box office success. The first movie spawned three sequels from 2009-2015. Let’s face it, they’re all stinkers.

It doesn’t matter if SPOILERS are present. This movie belongs in the sewage.

Sealed & Loose Qualities

Sealed: Jason Lee & David Cross both did a good job for their respective performances.

Justin Long, Matthew Gray Gubler & Jesse McCartney’s voices were sped up to voice the chipmunks. Easy paycheck. Thanks to editing software, anybody can voice a chipmunk.

Jane Lynch makes a brief appearance. She later starred in Ryan Murphy’s god-awful musical comedy TV show, “Glee.”

Only one scene made me laugh. Alvin farts on Dave.

Dave mentioned If he “Made a list of worst days ever.” A reference to “My Name Is Earl.” Mr. Lee played the titular character. I’ll never forgive NBC for ending the show on a cliffhanger. Ethan Suplee’s character, Randy was my favorite character.

Random Thought: I believe Damon Albarn & Jamie Hewlett were inspired by Alvin and the Chipmunks to form their own animated band, Gorillaz. A darn shame Netflix scrapped plans for an animated movie. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Ian Hawke’s based on producers who see child actors and singers as tools. Manipulation and greed will ruin a young actor’s life. Look what happened to Amanda Bynes. Dan Schneider effed her up. Same with Jeanette McCurdy. Drake Bell doesn’t deserve sympathy. He endangered an underaged girl.

Loose: Tim Hill didn’t do a good job directing.

Jason’s yelling Dave’s catchphrase, “ALVIN!” Didn’t feel authentic like the 1983 cartoon. Jack & Rose from “Titanic” yelling each other’s name had emotionality.

The Chipmunks are C.G.I. Whenever they share scenes with any human, the effects look fake. Davy Jones in “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” looked authentic.

I know the trio are designed after real chipmunks for realistic purposes, but they’re depicted as the size of a human kid.

Simon acquires toy glasses (non-prescribed) which somehow enables him to have good vision.

As I’ve mentioned before, only one joke made me laugh. None of the jokes are funny. 2007 wasn’t a good year for Comedy films. Only good ones that year listed.

• Hot Fuzz (one of my all-time favorite films)
• Superbad (top-tier)
• The Simpsons Movie
• Wild Hogs (guilty pleasure)
• Blades of Glory
• Delta Farce (I’m a sucker for Larry the Cable Guy)
• Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (an actual musical comedy)

For no reason, Simon puts Theodore’s turd in his mouth instead of Alvin putting it in his mouth as he did in the teaser trailer. It doesn’t change the fact I didn’t laugh.

During a scene when Alvin flees from security he shouts. “Yippie-Kay-Yay mamasita!” UGH! I’m aware Justin co-starred with Bruce Wills in “Live Free or Die Hard,” but this felt outta place. Reminds me of Christian Bale as John Connor in “Terminator Salvation” saying Arnold Schwarzenegger’s catchphrase, “I’ll be back.” Only T-800 can say these words. Can you imagine if Adonis Creed says Rocky Balboa’s catchphrase, “Yo, Adrian!” Would that work? I think not.

How the actual heck did the chipmunks manage to get out of Ian’s cage and got inside Dave’s car? There’s no logical explanation whatsoever.

Oh, jeez. Alvin sings The Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’tcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me.” Which gave me “Norbit” flashbacks. Kyle Gass did it better in “Wild Hogs.”

Alvin says this line. “I feel like P. Diddy with fur.” This did not age well. Alvin also wears a white suit like Diddy at his white outfit themed parties.

Ian never gets his comeuppance at the end for using the band as tools. He teaches actual squirrels how to sing. Which fails. That’s like Wolverine letting Willam Stryker from “X2: X-Men United” off the hook without even bothering chaining him up.

Alvin only wears his hat at the very end.

Product Placement (Pee Pee for short) featuring brands. Lucky Charms, Snyder’s, Quaker Oats, Goldfish Crackers, Utz, Red Baron, Fruit Loops & Apple.

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

Alvin and the Chipmunks are not a faithful depiction like the cartoon and animated movies. Their origin story pales in comparison to James Bond’s acclaimed reboot, “Casino Royale.” Skip Alvin and the Chipmunks in favor of Daniel Craig’s take on 007 starting with Casino Royale. If you wanna watch an actual musical-comedy, check out “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.”