It’s webbin’ time! Scratch that. It’s money grubbin’ time! What do you get when a movie studio like Sony owns the film rights to Spider-Man? Capitalize a cinematic universe in an attempt to replicate the financial success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU for short) but with Spidey’s rouges gallery and allies? Results? Mixed to negative reviews and progressively making less money one movie to another.
“Madame Web” is the fifth installment of Sony’s Spider-Man Universe. Prior to its release, Marvel fans react negatively mocking the titular character’s line. “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died.” People online posted memes paraphrasing “It’s Morbin’ time” with “It’s webbin’ time!”
When I saw the trailer, I refuse to spend my money on Sony’s preposterous concept of a character who can only see through the future with no other powers besides clairvoyance. Unlike Venom & Morbius, Madame Web never got a solo comic book series. Only I know about her, is her involvement in “Spider-Man: The Animated Series.”
Madame Web’s cinematic debut was critically panned and underperformed at the box office. Sony’s next projects, “Venom: The Last Dance” & “Kraven the Hunter” will released on October 25, 2024 & December 5, 2024.
I don’t give a crud if SPOILERS are present.
Right & Wrong Aspects
Right: There are two good things. First, Columbia Pictures’ 100th anniversary logo. The entire movie lacks any redeeming quality. Second, there’s no Post-Credits Scene. That’s bad, folks.
Wrong: Dakota Johnson’s performance as Cassandra “Cassie” Webb/Madame Webb felt phoned in. Sydney Sweeney couldn’t save this movie. She and the rest of the cast’s performances delivered underwhelming dialogue.
Speaking of dialogue, screenwriting duo, Matt Sazama & Burt Sharpless wrote the script. Same dudes that wrote stinkers like “Dracula Untold,” “Gods of Egypt,” “Power Rangers” & “Morbius.” They have plans to adapt a live-action adaptation of Fantasia’s segment, “Night on Bald Mountain.” Will somebody please fire those untalented nimrods?
Remember that line from the trailer? He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died.” It’s removed from the Final Cut. Doesn’t excuse the fact the dialogue is horrendous.
S.J. Clarkson didn’t do a great job directing her first full-length film.
Action Sequences lack tension. I didn’t feel a sense of excitement.
Visual Effects are fake. They’re plastic than Meg Ryan’s face.
Don’t expect Cassie and her friends wearing their suits. They only appear in Cassie’s visions. Talk about false advertising. I expected them to wear their outfits from the comics before Act 2. This is “Snow Dogs” level of misleading. Why? Because Disney tricked families into seeing this clunker as a slapstick comedy about talking dogs.
According to Dakota, the original script was supposed to be an action-thriller inspired by “The Terminator” with Cassie and her friends must protect Mary Parker (played by Emma Roberts) and her unborn baby from a time traveler whose goal is to assassinate Mary and her baby before she gives birth to Peter Parker. That would’ve been an interesting origin story with Cassie’s connections to the multiverse just like the video game, “Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions.” Peter’s a key figure in the Spider-Verse.
Ezekiel Sims isn’t an interesting villain like Cleetus Kasady & Carnage. The former’s forgettable and his costume looks like he ordered Spidey’s suit on Temu/Wish.
Humor was lackluster funny. I didn’t laugh at every single joke. Not one little bit. You know what’s funnier? The Justice Friends segments from “Dexter’s Lab.” Especially that one episode, “Pain in the Tooth” with Major Glory trying to extract a chip from Krunk’s tooth. Glory refuses to take Krunk to the dentist as an easy solution. The entire joke is in fact, Glory’s oblivious to common sense.
I swear to god I’m not making this up. When Cassie drops off the girls in the woods three hours away from New York City, the girls discover a local diner which is half a mile to get there. That reminds me of a joke from “Toy Story 2.” The part when Al complains he has to drive all the way to work. His apartment and the toy store he works at is literally across the street. The more I watch Madame Web, the more it insults my intelligence.
As she looks for the girls in a train, Cassie sees a passengers playing a PlayStation Portable or PSP for short. The movie’s set in 2003. The PSP wasn’t around until 2005. I first heard of it on South Park’s episode, “Best Friends Forever.” Kenny becomes addicted to the PSP. After he dies from a car accident, Kenny’s recruited by angels to use a golden PSP to stop Satan’s army from invading heaven.
Pepsi’s all over the place. Sims meets his end when a Pepsi sign fatally crushes him.
The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!
Madame Web is the worst Marvel movie I have ever seen since “The Marvels.” I made the right choice not to waste my money on this piece of crud. The former is worse than “The Amazing Spider-Man 2.” If Sony keeps overindulging on unnecessary solo films, I’m gonna keep skipping them. Sony needs to get their act together.
To quote Michael Jordan. “Stop it, get some help.”
Nickthemoviecritic.com 