Barbie

In 1959, Mattel co-founder, Ruth Handler created a doll known as, “Barbie.” The doll became a best-seller for the company selling numerous variations to little girls. Two Years Later, Mattel introduced Barbie’s boyfriend, Ken. Throughout the years, Barbie spawned a franchise selling more dolls, accessories producing direct-to-video cartoons, video games, costumes etc. Before Margot Robbie played the titular character in a live-action film adaptation, Anne Hataway & Amy Schumer were considered for the lead role. Both dropped out, due to busy schedules.

Margot won the role while Ryan Gosling signed on to play Ken. Filmmaking couple, Greta Gerwig & Noah Baumbach also signed on to pen the script. The former sits in the director’s chair. Prior to its release date, July 21st, Barbie and its rival, “Oppenheimer” spawned a global phenomenon known as, “Barbenheimer.” Both movies were promoted as a double-header, memes, fanmade posters and videos on YouTube.

Long before Barbenheimer, Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight” & “Mamma Mia” both came out on July 18th, 2008. History repeats between a serious epic and a family comedy. The equivalent of a selling Happy Meal toys at McDonald’s for boys and girls. I love it when Warner Bros. & Universal help each other promoting a double-header. From now on, movies studios need to help each other promote projects.

Barbie earned positive reviews and became the highest-grossing movie of 2023 racking up $1.4 billion. Barbie’s nominated for 8 awards including “Best Supporting Actor,” (Ryan Gosling) “Best Adapted Screenplay,” (Greta Gerwig & Noah Baumbach) “Best Supporting Actress (America Ferrera) & “Best Picture.” Before the upcoming 97th Academy Awards air on March 10th, 2024, I wanna share my thoughts on this Best Picture nominee.

I’ll have you know, I never owned anything Barbie related growing up. My tastes comes from stuff catered to boys like “Star Wars,” “X-Men,” “Power Rangers,” “Spider-Man” & “Batman.” My parents used to buy toys based on the aforementioned franchises. I come from a generation of ’90s babies growing up watching Fox Kids & Toonami on Cartoon Network.

Today’s review contains huge SPOILERS. If you’re interested in seeing this so-called “Best Picture contender,” read at your own risk.

Pretty & Ugly Qualities

Pretty: Margot Robbie & Ryan Gosling both did a great job for their respective performances. Besides playing Barbie, Margot also served as a co-producer.

Other Cast Members such as America Ferrera, Michael Cera, Issa Rae, Kate McKinnon, Simu Liu, Alexandra Shipp, Will Ferrell & Rhea Perlman all did a solid job for their respective performances.

Helen Mirren provides narration.

Humor as some laugh out loud moments.

Mark Ronson & Andrew Wyatt orchestrated the soundtrack.

Cinematography didn’t suffer from technical problems.

Set Pieces in Barbieland used a lot of pink. Causing a pink shortage.

Songs were catchy. Ryan did his own singing. Especially for this song, “I’m Just Ken.” I forgot to mention it’s nominated for “Best Original Song.”

Ugly: Greta Gerwig did a sloppy job directing. She and her hubby, Noah Buambach wrote an incoherent script.

The movie wasted a golden opportunity to feature Aqua’s “Barbie Girl.” Sadly, it’s modified by Nicki Minaj & Ice Spice. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Plot Hole 1: Whenever Barbie & Ken transport to Barbieland the Real World, how come the humans never follow them back to Barbieland. It would’ve made sense they used a wormhole. Other movies managed to transport a character or two into our world.

• The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle – TV and a lighthouse.
• Fat Albert – TV
• Enchanted – Well
• The Smurfs 2011 – Vortex

Plot Hole 2: Barbie & Ken somehow got out of jail without paying for bail twice.

Plot Hole 3: After returning home, how the actual fudge did Ken afford all stuff he bought for his fellow counterparts?

In the First Act, the Barbies rule Barbieland. Meanwhile, the Kens never earn double standard. Later in the Third Act, the Kens take over Barbieland. Then, the Barbies attempt to reclaim their land. I find the Barbies total hypocrites turning the Kens against each other.

This movie lacks a cohesive conflict. All the characters do is fight for their land. The equivalent of a no girls or boys allowed scenario as in “The Little Rascals.”

Barbie meets a Hispanic girl at school. Later, when Barbie’s taken by Mattell employees, the girl’s mother is Gloria. Contrivance with a Capital C.

I didn’t like Gloria’s daughter. She’s so irritating. She chews out Barbie for destroying Feminism. Ugh! I hate a Feminist know-it-all giving a half-assed lecture. It’s an offensive stereotype. Hearing her big fat mouth is painful as John Bobbitt’s “wang” cut off by his wife, Lorena. Greta co-wrote the script. Meaning, she’s possibly a Feminist know-it-all. That’s pretty effed up nominating Greta for Best Adapted Screenplay.

Mattell Boss and his employees are incompetent buffoons who had one job to capture Barbie. The boss and Barbie run into each other screaming. What does the former do? He runs and forgets to grab her.

Matell Boss isn’t a memorable antagonist like other baddies of 2023.

• High Evolutionary – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
• Bowser – The Super Mario Bros. Movie
• Dante Reyes – Fast X
• Ghostface – Scream VI
• The Marquis – John Wick: Chapter 4

The themes between Feminism and the Patriarchy felt rubbish. Again, the Barbies are hypocrites. Why? Because the Kens took over Barbieland. The moral of the story is a bad idea encouraging little boys and girls to fight each other. Rather than treating each other as equals. I have to Triple Down this con for teaching kids a rancid moral. After the movie was over, I almost threw up. Gloria’s speech couldn’t help it.

The Final Verdict: F, FOR FAKER!

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Barbie’s the worst movie of 2023. Far worse than “Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny,” “The Little Mermaid” & “The Marvels.” I’m utterly puzzled the highest-grossing movie of 2023 is a Best Picture nominee. EGADS! This is “Les Misérables” all over again!

Even though this was part of the Barbenheimer phenomenon, Barbie’s not Miss Pageant. Just a failed contestant. As a male movie goer, I don’t think this one’s catered to me. I’m rooting for my idol, Christopher Nolan & Cillian Murphy to win an Oscar. What’s your favorite movie and worst movie of 2023? Please leave a comment.